Epilogue

Endings

Xander Harris felt as if he had been in a dream.

It was not unlike the dream he had six years ago at Halloween, where wearing the costume of a soldier had been the impetus for a spell that turned him into one. He had liked that dream because in the guise of the Lieutenant Harris, he had been strong and resourceful. At a time in his life where the main figure in his life was a blond girl who fought vampires and demons while he watched impotently on the sidelines watching, it had been good to feel strong and in charge of his destiny. When he finally returned to himself, Xander was almost pleased that he retained some memory of that person for he was able to use it in future days in the battle against evil he seemed destined to fight alongside of Buffy.

The memory of this dream was one Xander did not wish to keep.

Around him the wreckage of what he had done lay sprawled before him in an ugly mess. The destruction to the room he shared with Anya, the bruises to her face, the knowledge that he had shot his best friend and had almost been responsible for the utter annihilation of the Slayer. These were memories he did not need and yet they lingered on his mind, a great weight pressing down on his chest so hard that he could not breathe. He wanted to die from the shame of it. Unfortunately, death eluded him as easily as it had eluded Buffy since her return from the grave.

Anya had said little about the cruel words he had taunted her with while he had been under Elizabeth’s spell but the mark of them could be seen in her eyes. There was a sadness there that had not been before and Xander knew nothing he said would make that change. He had his own bruises but there were inconsequential to the damage he had done to her. When he had first awoke and found that his mind was his again, he had wept at the sight of his brutality upon her. Begging her forgiveness even when the words sounded shallow to him, Anya did what she always did when he was cruel, acceptance his apology and shrugged it all away. There were times when he wished she did not let him off so lightly.

Now they were here at Buffy’s place to see Willow and Xander hoped that Willow was less forgiving than Anya. There was a part of his brain, which believed that he needed to pay for what he had done, that the understanding that was being shown to him was ill deserved. He knew this because inwardly, not everything he said was merely a product of Elizabeth’s enchantment. Some of what he had said had come from the deepest, darkest corner of his psyche, in the place where he kept hidden the most unbearable and unpalatable feelings that he was shamed to feel. Elizabeth had allowed that Pandora’s box to be opened and now that it had, he could not believe what evil he had committed when allowing those dark emotions to be unleashed.

"You okay?" Anya asked as they stepped through the door, noticing the clear anxiety on his face.

"Yeah," Xander nodded sedately, not knowing what else to say. After the things he had done to her in the past 48 hours, he was not going to burden her with the knowledge that not everything he said to her was entirely the cause of a vampire’s spell. "I’m just not too eager to face her after what I did."

"It wasn’t you Xander," Anya gave him an impatient look, more eager to brush aside his aberrant behaviour as it were the product of some terrible dream she had rather than conceive that some of what he had said might have a kernel of truth behind it. "It was that bitch’s spell."

Xander flinched but forced it away. Instead he sucked in his breath and started walking up the stairs when he was halted in mid step by the sight of Buffy emerging from the living room. Xander froze in his step at the sight of the bruises on her face and felt as if he had awakened to this nightmare a new. It was bad enough when he had opened his eyes and his memories came flooding back to him, reminding what an animal he had been to Anya and later to all his friends. Seeing Buffy with fading bruises on her skin brought that disgust back to the surface again and he knew it was only going to be a prelude to what he would feel when he finally saw Willow.

"Xander," Buffy offered him an encouraging smile, perfectly aware of what anguish he must be feeling right now. She knew how Angel had felt as he had returned from his time as Angelus, remembering all the terrible thing he had done. While Xander’s actions had not been that extreme, the guilt of what he had done had to be weighing heavily upon his soul and Buffy had no intention of making it any harder on him that it had to be. Besides, in each other’s shoes, he would showing her a great of compassion, whether or not she deserved it.

"Hey Buffy," Xander said softly. "How you doing."

"I’m better," she said warmly. "Can’t beat slayer strength for healing bruises."

"Yeah," he tried to grin but it did not quite reach his eyes. "Buff, I’m …."

"Xander," Buffy cut him off, "it’s alright. I know it wasn’t your fault. You’ve been through too much stuff for me to think that you were anything but under a spell. Everything is okay between us."

Xander swallowed thickly and nodded imperceptibly before asking in a softer voice. "Is that how it is with Willow?"

Buffy’s expression dropped a little because she was not so sure about that. Xander had after all taken a gun to her and almost killed Willow. As much as Buffy thought that Willow would forgive him, she did not dare take it upon herself to give Xander that hope until he heard it from Willow’s lips herself. "Why don’t you go up and see her?"

"I will," Xander answered with hesitation and Anya reinforced her support by squeezing his arm behind him. "Thanks Buffy."

"Xander," she called out as he resumed walking. "It’s going to be okay."

Xander met her gaze and nodded slowly but somehow it did not look as if he was terribly convinced. Buffy did not know what else to say to him and let him go, realizing that there were some things that not even a slayer could repair, not with super strength or rapid healing tendencies. Once he and Anya had disappeared up the hallway, Buffy returned to the kitchen where she had been preparing lunch.

Dawn was seated at the kitchen counter, flipping through one of her teen magazines, apparently the flavour of this month was the dishy elf from the new Lord of the Rings movie. Buffy looked at her sister with a little smile, glad to see that no matter how much evil and danger that seemed to come knocking at their door, Dawn still managed to remain and teenager and not grow up too fast. When she had seen the demon lying dead in the basement following her return from the house at Shadowbrook Road, Buffy had been horrified that Dawn had been alone when the demon had come calling. Yet somehow Dawn had managed to deal with the beast herself and that had been a sobering experience for Buffy because for the first time, Buffy was faced with the realization that Dawn was growing up.

"I think I like him better with the dark hair," Buffy pointed out as she looked over Dawn’s shoulder at the image of the heartthrob on the printed page.

"Gee, wouldn’t have guessed from Angel." Dawn teased as Buffy went to stir the contents of the pot. It was never wise to leave macaroni and cheese for too long to simmer.

"Funny," Buffy gave her a look before coming to the conclusion that the meal was ready and reached for the bowl waiting at the side of the stove. After dishing out a healthy portion for the growing teenager and herself, the two sisters sat down to eat.

Buffy found herself watching Dawn, trying to wonder how someone who had been created less than two years ago could suddenly become the world to her. Despite all the hardship her life had endured of late, this quiet moment between the two of them seemed to be worth all of it. Buffy wondered if it had to do with the watershed she was reaching in her life and knew that in some small way it was.

"Will you stop that," Dawn gave her a look noticing the scrutiny. "You’re acting wiggy."

"I’m allowed," Buffy said huffily. "I’m your big sister."

"You’re a big pain," Dawn shrugged in typical teenager fashion and went back to her meal.

Buffy smiled, wondering how Joyce had not staked her when she was sixteen if she was half as obnoxious. Instead, she ran her a hand over her sister’s hair and caught Dawn’s bewildered expression when she made such a personal gesture.

"Okay, what is it?" Dawn asked finally. "Am I dying or something?"

"No," Buffy rolled her eyes. "I’m just really proud of you."

"Oh," Dawn said somewhat startled by the compliment and could not help smiling. "I should kill demons more often huh?"

"No," Buffy laughed. "But you’re growing up and you’re starting to take care of yourself. I’m starting to feel very ineffectual. Soon you won’t be needing me at all."

"Sure I will," Dawn smiled, relishing the moment with her sister because it was rare they had talks like this. "I’ll always need you to stake the odd vamp and save the world."

"Thanks," Buffy grinned. "That makes me feel so much better."

"How was Xander?" Dawn asked when they both stopped ribbing each other.

"Shaken," Buff’s expression sobered. "I think he’s going to need time to get over this."

"But it wasn’t his fault," Dawn declared. "I mean it was Elizabeth right?" She looked to Buffy for confirmation, in case she was mistaken or left out of the loop in some important piece of information, which was not unusual since everyone was always trying to protect her.

"Yeah it was Elizabeth," Buffy answered. "But I think a little of it was Xander too."

Dawn’s eyes became saucers of astonishment before Buffy quickly explained. "Dawn, we all have issues we don’t talk about because most of the time we deal with them on our own. They don’t see the light of day and most of the time they’re not meant to. I think when Elizabeth put Xander under that spell, she made him say a lot of things he didn’t mean even if did feel them at some point. Now that his himself again, he can’t help but wonder how much of it was a spell and how much was how he really felt."

"Oh," Dawn frowned, feeling sorry for Xander and what he was going through. She waited for a moment before asking, "are you going to stake Spike?"

"What?" Buffy’s eyes met her sister in shock.

"Are you going to stake Spike?" Dawn repeated her question.

"Of course not," Buffy replied. "Why would you even ask that?"

"Because he did turn on you," Dawn pointed out. "I mean I know he saved you and all but you know how you are with Spike."

Buffy bristled because it was a valid statement and considering how she often called Spike a loose cannon that could turn on them at any second, it was not unfair that Dawn would think such a thing. Buffy had managed to shunt Spike to the back of her mind because she did not want to deal with him yet but Dawn’s statement had reminded her. She knew sooner or later, she would have to confront him but she did not want Dawn to think that she would arbitrarily stake him when he had fought the spell Elizabeth held over him and saved her life.

"I’m not going to stake him Dawn," Buffy assured her. "Despite everything that happened, he managed to snap out of it and save me when it counted the most."

"Well duh," Dawn retorted. "He’s in love with you."

"Yeah," Buffy sighed.

It should have made things simpler but somehow it was not. It just made things harder.

************

Xander entered the room after being given permission to enter and found himself standing before Willow and Tara. Tara was still asleep in the chair next to Willow’s bed. The witch looked tired and Xander felt another wave of guilt as he stared at the two women, Willow first and then Tara. He could see his handiwork on both of them. On Willow, it was the gunshot would that had almost taken her life and on Tara it was the bruises that he had inflicted during their fight at Elizabeth’s lair. Xander had come to the conclusion that if there was a hell; he was presently in it.

"Maybe we should come back," Xander started to say because both women looked as if they were fast asleep and after yesterday’s activities, who could begrudge them the rest.

"Xander?" Willow’s voice suddenly drifted to his ears.

Xander swallowed thickly and found himself staring at Willow, who was resting gently against the pillows, her gaze fixed on him. Her skin was pale and her lips were a thin white line that made Xander wince just looking at her. He had not seen her so hurt since the night that Angelus had attempted to resurrect Acathla and sent his vampires after them. In the attack that followed, Willow had slipped briefly into a coma and Xander had come damn near close to losing her. However, knowing that a vampire had hurt her was nowhere as terrible as knowing that her present state was his responsibility alone. Xander had never thought he could feel so wretched in his entire existence.

"How are you doing Willow?" Anya spoke first, trying to test the waters for her fiancée.

"I’m better," Willow said trying to sit up. She let out a groan that woke both Tara up and had Xander hurrying to her side.

"You should stay put Will," Xander said meekly. "God knows I hurt you enough without you making yourself worse on my account."

"Stop it Xander," Willow said suddenly, with a tone of voice that forced her to look at him. "I know you didn’t mean to hurt me and nothing I say is going to change that but I’m not angry at you. I know you were under a spell and you’ve got puppy dog face enough for me to know you’re feeling like you’ve been kicked up the block and back."

"After what I did to you?" He stared at her, wanting absolution but unwilling to allow himself or anyone else to let him feel it. "How can you be so forgiving?"

"Because I love you stupid," Willow said as a matter of factly, taking her hand in his. "And will always love no matter what dumb thing you do."

"I’ll hold you to that," Xander smiled wryly, glad that she was still his friend. He did not think he could stand it if he had lost her friendship. In some ways, even losing Anya would not be as terrible as losing Willow.

"Is that the safe platonic kind of love?" Anya found herself asking, tactlessly as usual and often during a tender moment.

"Yes," Willow gave her a look. "Remember, gay now?"

"You’re too good to me Willow," Xander replied softly, holding her hand in his and wishing that he could forgive himself as easily as she had forgiven me. "You too Tara."

"Actually," Tara shrugged. "I haven’t forgiven you. I was going to turn you into a worm later."

"Thanks," Xander laughed and this time it reached his eyes. "Are we okay?" He looked at Willow seriously.

"You know better than to ask that," Willow replied and looked at Tara with a smile because it seemed as if it was not just okay between her and Xander but also between Tara and herself. They had a long way to go before they were truly okay with everything that had happened these past two days but it was a start and after a low point like this, there was only one way for their friendship to go.

Up.

**************

Buffy was on her way out of the house when she saw Tara descending the stairs and decided she could not leave without speaking first to the Wiccan who had been of such great help to her during this whole situation with Elizabeth. However, it was not just Tara’s magic skill and her support during the battle that Buffy valued so greatly but the friendship she had extended to the slayer in the months before this. Buffy whom at present was filled with such doubt and confusion, had been grateful for the support and sensitivity of a friend who would not judge her decisions. If it had not been for Tara, Buffy would have been left to struggle completely alone in her dealings with Spike and things would have turned out far worse then they already were.

"How are they doing up there?" Buffy asked as she waited at the foot of the stairs for the Tara to reach her.

"Okay I think," Tara answered truthfully. "I think Xander’s still pretty shocked at how he behaved."

"We all are but its not his fault," Buffy shrugged. "How’s Willow about it?"

Buffy hoped that Willow was not too hard on Xander because he was really feeling badly about what had happened and it was not his fault. Elizabeth’s spell had overtaken a vampire with ease, there was no way a human was going to stand up to it. Still, Willow and Xander were friends for as long as they had been alive and Buffy very much doubted that Willow would make Xander feel too badly about what happened. Besides, Willow knew perfectly well how easy to fall prey to the influence of forces that altered one’s behaviour. After that whole episode with Rack and almost getting Dawn killed, Buffy was certain that Willow would view Xander with a good deal of empathy.

"She was good, "Tara said with a smile, remembering the relaxed atmosphere she had left behind when she stepped out of the room. "Xander’s doing it tough and I think she knows that."

"What about you two?" Buffy asked, hoping that this incident might have gone some ways to seeing a reconciliation between Tara and Willow.

Tara smiled and her cheeks tinged with colour a little, confirming that things between the duo was definitely on the mend. "It’s getting there."

"I’m glad," Buffy said happily and squeezed Tara’s hand in a gesture of support. "Look, I’ve got to go out for awhile. You mind keeping an eye on Dawn for me? Not that she needs it really. After taking that demon down, she’s feeling very empowered."

"Sure," Tara nodded as Buffy resumed her journey out the door. "You going to see Spike?"

Buffy paused in her footsteps and cast a look over her shoulder. "Yeah," she answered quietly.

"Buffy," Tara said after a moment, debating whether or not she should speak her mind but then realizing that was what Buffy needed from her and threw caution to the winds. "Take it easy on him. He’s hurting a lot."

To her surprise, Buffy found herself answering, "I know."

************

She wondered whether this was a good idea.

He probably did not wish to see her after everything they had been through lately but somehow, Buffy knew her will power where Spike was concerned was non existent. In truth, Buffy had no idea what to say to him. After he had dusted Elizabeth and ensured that she was alright, he had left without a word. As angry as she was with him, she knew that he had made a terrible sacrifice by killing Elizabeth for her and she also knew that the vamp had really cared about him. Elizabeth could have given Spike everything that he had ever wanted, love and self respect but he had turned it all down to save Buffy’s life.

Buffy reached his vault and did not have to search far to find him. He was seated on top of the crypt, staring at the sunlight he could only see but could not feel against his skin. His expression was sad and seeing him anything but cocky and arrogant tore a hole in her heart even though she knew she did not love him and that was an admission that was becoming easier and easier to make as time went by. Buffy wondered if it was wise being here in light his choice and the loss he had suffered because of it. Even though it was a spell that had made him turn against her, Buffy knew that was a part of Spike that wanted to be loved desperately and Elizabeth looked as if she really did care for him as more than just another minion.

"Come to finish me off for good?" He asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"If I was, you would never have made it home last night," Buffy retorted, pausing at the edge of the crypt and looking up at him. "I came to see how you were."

"Like you care," he retorted mercilessly.

"Hey quit giving me the attitude, you were the one who went all evil, not me. I should stake your ass to keep something like that from happening again," she declared hotly.

"But you won’t," he replied coolly. "You still want me."

"Don’t flatter yourself," she shook her head in disgust, wondering why she had bothered to show up here in the first place. Compassion was not an emotion to be wasted upon the likes of him. Buffy was about to turn around when she realized that if it was not for his compassion, for his feelings, she would be dead now and there would be no slayer to fight the hell that Elizabeth would have let into this world. That realization made her hold her ground because despite his ambivalence, she knew he was hurting.

"Why did you leave?" She found herself asking.

The question took him by surprise because he did not honestly believed she cared enough to wonder why, not anymore. "I thought it was the best thing to do."

"You didn’t even say goodbye," she accused. "Not to me, not to Dawn. Why?"

"Because I’d never be free of you if I had to stop and say that. I wouldn’t be strong enough to go." He answered honestly, all pretext and dignity having slipped from his face like a veil falling.

"You don’t have to leave," Buffy said feebly even though she knew it was not true. He did have to go. They were temptation to each other and would never be really free of one another unless there was distance separating them.

"Yeah I do," Spike nodded. "Not now, not today but I’m going to have to, soon."

"We could go on like we are…" she offered softly, fearing to lose him even though she knew it was for the best and the time would come when she would be the one to discard him. The selfishness that made her think that she wanted to be the one to do away with him when she no longer needed Spike, shocked her to no end.

"No we can’t luv," Spike replied softly, his voice starting to break and he would not let her see him in real pain ."I can’t go on this way. I love you and I will always love you but its impossible and I may think otherwise later, but right now I know it’s the truth. Its not just you pet, it’s me too. I had a chance to be everything that I ever wanted to be, without having to worry about this bloody chip in my head turning me into some kind of neutered animal but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get past loving you to take the chance. She loved me, she really did. It wasn’t just a spell to her. I wasn’t just a spell and yet I killed her anyway, her and the only chance of happiness I could ever have had."

"Spike, I’m sorry," Buffy whispered, seeing real anguish in his eyes and knowing that he spoke from the heart, a place she too often told herself he did not have. "Thank you for what you did. I know that’s small comfort but I want to say it anyway."

"Yeah well, you’re welcome." Spike shrugged and climbed down from the crypt.

"Spike," Buffy called out as he started towards the orifice that led down below to his real home in the vault. She went to him and caught his hand. Strange how cool it felt under the palm when there was so much passion inside his dead skin. She pulled him to her and kissed his softly against the mouth, wanting to make him feel some pleasure.

"Don’t," he said pushing her away. "Let me walk away with some dignity."

But Buffy was not willing to let go of him and she wrapped her arms around him and crushed his lips in a bruising kiss. His resistance was brief because the scent of her was an easy salve to soothe the pain in his heart and he returned her kiss with as much heat. For a few seconds, their tongues duelled in passion until she had to tear her lips away to catch her breath.

"You know we’re living on borrowed time don’t you?" He asked her when she stared into his eyes, her lips swollen from his ministrations.

"Yeah," Buffy nodded. "I know."

And with that they came together in passion once again, bodies consumed in heat that was slowly dwindling, both filled with the terrible knowledge that one day, this strange relationship they had between them would end and what came after was a mystery. It was almost already over and they both knew it.

It was just the end that had not been written yet.

THE END

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