Warning: This is a death fic.

Part Five

Without Her

The roof felt cold even though JD had ensured that was a fire burning briskly in the fireplace. He supposed it really did not matter that in actuality it was quite warm since the feeling was in his mind and not anything he was feeling against the skin. He entered the room slowly, awash with memories of another time when he had been force to make a similar entrance like this and the experience had made him wish that he would never have to endure this again. People said that this was a part of life, the cycle of growth and regeneration. All things that were born were also required to die, JD understood that as being all well and good except in this instance, he wished it were not so. In fact, if there were any way to keep it from happening, he would have ridden through hell to ensure that it did not.

 Not when it was Casey who he was going to lose.

It had begun almost three years ago and for the life of him, JD wished every night even until this final moment that he knew how she had contracted such a deadly ailment. Both Alex and Nathan had assured him earnestly that nothing could have been done to circumvent the onslaught of the deadly cancer that began eating away at Casey in silence. The science to prevent the disease or to combat it did not exist and all they could do was watch her as little by little, she withered away before their eyes. Since the original diagnosis, JD had lived in denial, certain that she would not die, simply because he could not imagine life without her. He had loved her since he had been old enough to know what the word really meant. JD went through the motions, assuring his children that the number of days their mother took to her sick bed was nothing to worry about.  

He maintained his optimism until the days came when the pain was so terrible that not even the morphine Alex prescribed in large doses seemed to make any difference and he could hear the groans of pain Casey tried desperately to hide from the children. The morphine drove her into a state of constant delirium and JD could do nothing but watch as the girl he felt in love with, the woman who had borne his children, slowly disintegrate before his eyes. Less than a week ago, the morphine’s effect was more or less subjugated by the ferociousness of the cancer’s progression and for a time, though in great pain, she was herself again. The pain had reached a crescendo and now it was gone into some far away place to take a bird’s eye view of the damage it had left in its wake. 

"JD." She stared at him as he sat on the corner of the bed where Adam and Nettie had been conceived, trying not to let the last memory she took with her out of this world was he weeping. "Where are the children?" 

"Nettie and Adam are at outside." JD whispered softly, trying not to notice the pasty color of her skin, the darkness under her eyes and the hollowness of her cheeks. "Do you want to see them?"

"No," she shook her head, shedding the tears he would not. "I don’t want them to see me like this."

"They wouldn’t care." He answered, voice threatening to break at any moment. Sliding his fingers into hers, he held on tight, hoping against hope that perhaps if he willed it enough, she would not go. "You’re their ma, you’ll always look beautiful to them."

 "I don’t want them to remember me this way." She swallowed. "When my mother died, I couldn’t see her any different other than the way she looked on her death bed, I don’t want that for Nettie and Adam. Please, don’t let them see me, not after either." More tears rolled down her cheeks and at that moment if someone had asked him, he would have gladly have died with her. "Promise me JD."

"I promise." He nodded, jaw clenching in an effort to remain strong and not completely break down in front of her. He thought of Annette and Adam outside, imagined how they would go on without her. How could he even think of that when he did not know how to be without her? She had been apart of his life since his arrival in Four Corners, how could he be expected to continue it without her? So many questions filled his mind and amidst all this was this relentless force that was dragging him towards the pit where she would be gone. She would become something in his memories, not real, just tangible enough to plague him with her absence but too vague to touch.

"Please Casey," he finally found himself reaching the last tether of desperation. "Please don’t leave me. I can’t do this alone!"

"You’re not alone," she said gently in that voice that always claimed to know more than he did and in this instance she was right. "You have Nettie and Adam. You’ll need them as much as they need you and we have friends who are more like family than anything else so you won’t be alone JD. Besides," her pale lips curled into a smile. "You’re a part of the seven, remember."

He did remember and still that gave him little comfort. "Casey, I can’t be without you. I don’t know how."

"You’ll learn," she whispered. "You always learn. This will be no different than the others."

JD could not believe that, not when he saw her like this. All he could see right now was that the life he had known for the last decade or more was drawing to an end. The happiness he shared with Casey, the smile on her face when she presented him with his children, not to mention the day of their wedding. They were as ingrained into his memory as she was and he just knew that once she was gone from his life, those memories would never feel the same again. In fact, once she was gone, nothing would ever be as it was and JD could not face the change.

"I love you Casey," he clutched her hand tighter and could feel the coolness of her skin. "I always will." It was all he could manage because he was on the threshold of complete collapse.

"I love you JD," she answered in turn, her eyes fixed on his face, as if she wanted to burn his face into her mind before she left him. "Take care of my babies and of yourself. You have to live for them JD, no matter what happens, you have to go on for them."

He nodded and stared at her face, he watched as she smiled in satisfaction and belief in his promise, at having some measure of peace in the face of so much anguish staring back at her through his eyes. She closed her eyes to rest but then her breathing became shallower and shallower and he was tempted to run and get Alex but he did not dare leave, terrified that Casey might slip away while his back was turned. Still wearing that little smile that had stolen across her still lovely but pale features, she took small breaths until finally the gentle rise of her chest stopped all together and without a sound, she was gone from this world.

JD did not know how long he sat at her side after that, holding her hand, staring at her face. In the here and now, she was still his wife, his Casey. If he called the others, if they took her out of this room as they rightly should, she would not be that any more. She would become just another body, no different that so many they had buried in the past. He brushed a strand of dark hair out of her face, pulled the covers over her so that she would remain warm because the cold in her limbs demanded no less. He did not weep but continue to sit there by her side, like the dog that waited for the return of a master who had gone. Only he knew Casey would not be coming back.

After what seemed like hours, he heard the doorknob twist, the familiar sound of the metal mechanism penetrating to the blinding despair that had infected every part of his body like the cancer that had eaten Casey away, a bit at a time. The door creaked open and he heard footsteps. They were heavy so he knew it was not Alex. He did not move. He could not because he was content holding Casey’s hand in his hand he was not about to relinquish his hold of her yet. The footsteps approaching him paused a few feet away from him, probably in realization of what had taken place before resuming its journey towards him.

"JD." He felt a hand on his shoulder.

JD turned his head slowly, suffused by the unreality of the situation and found himself staring at Buck Wilmington. "She’s gone." He said simply.  

"I’m so sorry JD." Buck responded, his own features filled with grief. His eyes were red and though there were no tears, it was as good an admission as any. "She was a good woman." 

"The best." He swallowed and rose to his feet. "My kids still out there?" He asked once again, his voice neutral and calm.

"Alex put Nettie to bed but Adam’s still up." Buck answered softly. He wanted to take the boy in his arms and hug him because to Buck, even though JD was now a man with a family and sheriff of Four Corners, Buck still saw him that way. However, he had a feeling it would do little good. When Chris had lost Sarah, Buck had seen the same detachment in his eyes that he was now seeing in JD and he had not said the right thing back then either and was certainly not going to make the same mistake again by trying. 

JD absorbed the information and glanced at Casey once more. It was as if the spell where she had once been his wife and mother to his children had been broken and all the memories she had left behind became disjointed, like fragments of a dream that was fading with the coming of the dawn. Slowly, he pulled her fingers away from his and stood up slowly. "Let Nettie sleep," JD responded calmly. "I’ll tell her in the morning. I like her to have one more night where she thinks Casey is still here." 

"JD," Buck replied, feeling his heartbreak at the sight of that tremendous sorrow seeping into JD’s face. It would be simpler if he wept or sob at least then Buck would be able to do something, offer him comfort, tell him life goes on but this cold disconnection made Buck uneasy. "Casey will always be here." 

"Yeah," JD nodded. "I know that but not like before." 

Buck wanted to speak but JD did not give him the opportunity. Before the big man could say anything further, JD was already out the door. 

***********

The funeral was held a day or two later.  

It was one of the largest funerals in recent times, with attendance made by almost all the inhabitants of Four Corners. Although the news of Casey’s demise was meant with shock and sorrow, no one was particularly surprise that the end had come. Casey’s illness had been with them for the last two years and some were rather surprised that she had endured as long as she had. The seven stayed close to JD, as the seven always did whenever times were tough among their number, although no occasion had ever been as painful or as tragic as this. Judge Travis and his wife Evie made the trip from Four Corners for the funeral as did Maude and Simon Doyle. The faces though welcomed hardly registered for JD. He watched them sweep past him in a blur, their offers of condolences blending into one large noise that had little meaning for him.

Though some had indicated that she ought to be buried in the town cemetery, JD would have none of that and so Casey was laid to rest in a patch of green at the spot of their favorite watering hole. It was the place he first realized that he was in love with her, the day they had stared into each other’s eyes and felt destiny in a perfect moment of clarity. Even though their lived together did not begin until some years later, JD considered that the defining moment in their relationship and thought it be fitting that she wait for him at that special place until he was ready to join her. Fortunately Josiah had taken care of most of the funeral arrangements so JD was spare that part of the ordeal. However, if truth were known, very little impacted upon him during those first few days. He moved through his life almost in a daze. 

He vaguely remembered that Josiah had conducted the service and that Buck had remained close at his side during that time, trying to make things easier but knowing that it was a futile gesture in the face of such overwhelming loss. Nettie spent a great deal of time with Alex, while Adam seemed happier in the company of his friends rather than his father. JD could not blame him. Their mother had been the impetus of their lives. What need had they of him really? How could he ever hope to take her place in their lives? Adam had taken his mother’s death stoically, possibly suspecting that this day would come since her illness had become severe enough to begin confine her in bed. Nettie was nine years old but she and Casey had been close and the absence was somehow deeper for her.

During the wake, he was suddenly gripped with a bout of claustrophobia and was driven out of his house. There was too much noise, too much advice that life would go on, too many words spoken about Casey that only served to remind him how much he had lost. After awhile it became too much for him and he fled the friends and the family in an effort to gain some equilibrium. His head was fairly spinning and though he knew that their intentions were good, he need solitude more than anything else at the moment. He had intended to go to her grave, to make his own farewell when suddenly he heard a familiar voice calling out after him. 

JD let out a soft groan because he had wanted to be alone and turned around to see Chris Larabee approaching him at a brisk pace. At least it wasn’t one of the town folk he consoled himself. He could not bear to hear them telling him that she was a fine woman that he should bring the children over for supper any time he liked. He had almost shot Mrs. O'Leary when she had the best taste to bring up the fact that she had an unmarried daughter before being ferried away by a furious Inez who looked like she might take a gun to the thoughtless woman. JD signed and supposed that if he was going to be found by anyone, it was best that it was Chris Larabee. Chris made his point quickly and was not prone to being overly sentimental. 

"JD." Chris announced himself with that simple remark.  

"Chris." JD said tautly. "You lost?"

"No," Chris shook his head. "Thought I could use some fresh air, saw you heading this way and figured you could use the company."

"I think I’ve had enough company for one day." JD retorted sarcastically and regretted it a moment later because he knew he was being rude and Chris was trying to help. 

"I can understand that." Chris replied with a little smile, understanding completely what JD was going through completely although he was not foolish enough to dispense any advice. Considering how he had behaved when he had lost Adam and Sarah, he was the last person to tell JD how to behave. In truth, Chris felt that JD had a right to his grief. He had been married to Casey for more than a decade. He had loved her for even longer then that. "Let’s keep walking," he suggested instead. "Give us a bit of lead before anyone who comes looking can find us." 

"I’m for that." JD agreed and the two men resumed their journey. They were almost near the grave where Casey Wells Dunne had been laid to rest when JD found that he could not face going there just yet. The pain was still too fresh and it was hard to come to terms with the wife he loved finding her end beneath cold dirt. Chris said nothing even though he noticed the grief in JD’s eyes. He had felt the same sorrow every time he braved a visit back to the spot where he had buried Sarah and Adam, even now. The years did not diminish the pain and only experience had made it tolerable to endure. It would be the same for JD with Casey but Chris did not need to tell the younger man that. JD had enough advice bombarding him today for Chris to bother with that piece of information because like all the others given him today, in the face of its loss, words seemed rather meaningless. 

Instead, he continued with JD to the watering hole and they sat down, admiring the serenity of the place, far away from the noises of the town and more importantly, the wake from which they had both fled. For a while, the two men sat in silence, listening to the sounds made by the wildlife that only seemed to emerge near water, taking in the sunshine as the day crept languidly by them. Chris did not prompt JD to talk because the last thing the younger man needed right now was to be told how to cope with his loss. He could appreciate why JD had left the house. When it had been his turn, Chris had done more than just leave his house, he had left his entire life. He sometimes wondered if he had taken the coward’s way out but chose not to delve too deeply into the question for it would lead him to places and answers he might not like.

"How could you stand it?" JD finally broke the silence between them with that question. "I look at my children and I see her. I look at the house we lived in and all I see is a house, she made it a home. How can I see my life without her in it? I don’t understand how I’m expected to go on when she’s not here." 

"I don’t know." Chris answered honestly. "I don’t know how you’re supposed to live with it, if ever you can." He certainly had not. When Sarah had gone, she had not only taken her son with her but everything they had created together. For him, it had been easier to turn his back and flee because there was nothing holding him back. For years after she died, he wandered, searching for the answers to the question JD was asking him now and finding no answer at all. He had hoped that perhaps the suffering would end at least, that a bullet would have mercy on him and end it all in a blast of gunfire. "I ran from my life JD because I couldn’t face going on without her." 

"I want to run." JD admitted readily. "I want to run so far away that I’ll never see anything that looks or reminds me of Casey. If I could do that maybe I’ll feel something other than this pain." 

"Running doesn’t make you feel better." Chris replied. "When I left everything behind, I thought it would make me forget but it didn’t. I thought I could drown myself in a bottle and that would do it but you can’t run JD because the one thing that reminds you most of her, that remembers every thing you ever felt for Casey; is your heart. You can’t get rid of that no matter how far you run or how much you try to hide." 

"I don’t want to hide," JD confessed. "I just don’t want to feel. Right now, that’s all there is. I ain’t got no feeling for anything else."

"I know." Chris said sympathetically. "I wish I could say something that makes all this easier for you JD but there isn’t any magical words that will make this go away. You lost your ma so you know what it’s like to lose someone who means everything to you. Right now, it’s too soon for words to make any difference to you JD even the ones that do make sense." 

"I want her back Chris," JD swallowed. "I want her back so much it kills me inside thinking of all the things we’re never going to do. We were supposed to watch the kids grow up together. How could she miss everything they’ll go through?" 

"JD she had no choice in the matter." Chris retorted, aware of Casey’s condition longer than he would like to think. Two years ago, he had seen the first signs of the illness and he had worried about it even though he had never brought it up and regretted that decision bitterly. At the end of the day, Chris had thought Casey deserving a right to her privacy and never mentioned what he had seen to JD but not even in his wildest imaginings did Chris envision that what was wrong with Casey could be anything as wholly terrible as cancer. "She got sick and it took her away from you a piece at a time. No one should have to suffer the disintegration she did."

"I tried to convince myself it would go away." JD met his gaze. "I kept doing all the chores, sending Addie and Nettie to school thinking to myself, Casey will do this when she gets some rest. In the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t going to be that way. I saw my ma, slowly wither away and the idea that it was happening to Casey was something I couldn’t face." 

"She left the best part of her with you JD," Chris reminded him, wishing he could comfort the younger man in some way but he was at a loss over such things. "She left you a son and daughter. All you have to do to know that she’s still with you is to look in their faces. She lives in them because of what you both created." 

"I can’t look at them because of that Chris," JD swallowed. "I see Adam and I see Casey, I see Nettie and I see Casey. They’re both hurting so bad and Buck is better at being there for them then I am. I’m not a good father Chris! Casey did all the work! All I ever did was play sheriff!"

"Don’t say that." Chris retorted. "You’ve just lost your wife, you’re entitled to be a little selfish in this. When you’re ready you’ll know what to say to your kids." 

JD nodded silently and faced from again, still feeling this ache eating away at him and hoped that Chris was right because, at the moment, he had no idea whether he would ever be ready for anything again.

*************

He thought the days after her passing would be interminably slow and that the passage of time would stretched endless now that she was gone. However, time seemed to do the opposite and suddenly JD found the days hurtling by quickly even though for him, the pain of Casey’s loss did not abate to any acceptable degree. All around him life seemed to go on and he felt like he was trapped in a vacuum because he could not seem to do the same. Outwardly, he was the father that took care of his two children, ensuring they went to school and were raised the way well brought up children ought to be. He had promised Casey that he would be there for his children and strove to ensure that they wanted for nothing.

Despite his however, he could not help but notice something of a rift forming between himself and his children. It was not so much of a rift as it was distance. The closeness that had existed between himself, Nettie and Adam seemed to have gone and JD knew on some level this was his fault but he did not know what he had done to sever their close bonds. He had done exactly what he was supposed to do as their father and yet Adam and Nettie seemed to be drifting away. His son spent what little time he did at home scribbling stories in his room while Nettie was spending more and more time in Alex’s company. He could understand that of course, Nettie was just a child and she needed a female presence in her life, something JD could not provide in any shape of form.

Before JD knew what was happening, it was almost six months since Casey had passed away and his yearning for her did not fade and he wondered why people looked at him as if he should have moved on already. Even his friends, who supposedly understood what he was enduring, seemed to expect it of him and JD began to withdraw even from them. He found more and more reason to hide inside his jailhouse, throwing himself into his work and often spending more nights out of Four Corners than in it. When he wasn’t in town, he felt as if a part of him could forget the life he shared there with Casey and when he returned, it was as if a great weight had fallen on his shoulders and was threatening to drag him down into some dark depths.

He also started drinking.

First it was a drink to wash away the numbness and then it was a drink to keep the numbness away and then finally, it was a drink to remain numb forever. The progression was self-destructive and rapid once the lure of liquor as a means of forgetting his loss became stronger, the more he indulged himself in it. Very soon, he did not know a morning when he did not wake up hung over. The rest of his life began to bleed away and the details became harder and harder to remember. During such occasions, the drink provided welcome relief because in a space of hours, the details would not matter and he could slip once again into the bliss of drunken forgetfulness.

*********

"Adam we got to do something." Nettie whispered to her brother within the confines of his room. 

Adam peered over the edge of the book he was writing on and stared at his sister impatiently. "Like what?" 

"Mommy would not let him drink like this!" Nettie declared, trying to sound grown up even though she felt terrible small and missed her mother still. However, lately, her thoughts seemed to be more focussed on the slow deterioration of their father. Before their mother had passed away, she had loved being with daddy and she was certain daddy loved being with them, but not any more. He was sullen and angry and all he seemed to do lately is to sit in his parlor when he got home from work and drink himself stupid. If it were not for Elsie Barker coming to cook and clean for them during the day, the two children would be completely on their own. 

"Mom’s gone Nettie." Adam said shortly. "If she wasn’t, pa wouldn’t be like this!" 

"Its like he hates us now Addie." She whined, her voice taking on that vulnerability Adam had not heard since she was very little. "He looks at her and I know he hates us." 

"He doesn’t hate us," Adam sighed and lowered his book so that he could join his sister who was sitting on his bed, knees curled under chin. Adam put his arm around her and held her close for a moment. "I don’t think he hates us Nettie, I think looking at us makes him sad."

 "He gets mean when he drinks," she pointed out. "Do you notice?"  

"Yeah," Adam nodded somberly, "I notice." When JD was drunk, his behavior to his children bordered between surly and violent. Sometimes, Adam was certain JD wanted to strike when they spoke to him, his drunken moods had diminished him to that point. Yet when those occasions came upon their father, it would be followed by great sorrow and then he would just stagger out of the house unable to face them again. The children had told no one about this, not even Uncle Buck or Aunt Alex who would surely take action and cause more trouble in the Dunne household. 

"We got to do something." Annette retorted. "We got to do something before he hurts himself. I don’t want to lose daddy like mommy." 

"Alright," he said deciding that she was right, they had to save their father from this cycle of destruction before it reached a point of no return. "You promise me something?" He looked at his young sister, intent in his face as he made his point.

"What?" She nodded in confusion.  

"If you hear anything bad, I want you to run to Aunt Alex’s you hear me?" Adam replied. "I want you to do and don’t think about me until you get there, you hear?" 

"Yes," she answered, clearly frightened by the prospect. "You think he’ll hurt you Addie?"  

"Not intentionally," Adam responded. "But he’s drunk and he ain’t always in the best mood when he’s drunk." 

Both children had seen exactly how he had been during those periods to know that the possibility existed. "You promise me?" Adam asked again, not about to leave the room until he received an answer from his sister, no matter how frightening the notion might me.

"I promise." Annette swallowed. 

"Okay," Adam pushed the pair of glasses on his face higher on his nose and took a deep breath before climbing off the bed and going to the door. "Stay in here."

Adam shut the door behind him and knew that he would be obeyed. He continued out of the hallway into the parlor where his father was presently situated in his favorite wing chair before the fire, a half empty bottle of liquor sitting on the small table besides it. It was full when he had first set it down, Adam remembered. Bracing himself inwardly, Adam knew he had to do this. He was certainly not the man of the house to make such an intervention but he remembered the father he loved and who had loved him before his mother had died. Adam could not believe that person was completely gone, just submerged by grief and perpetuated by drink. 

"Pa." Adam announced himself once he reached JD. 

"What?" JD gave his son a sidelong glance, not at all happy to see him. "Shouldn’t you be in bed by now?" 

Adam stiffened seeing the edge in his father’s bloodshot eyes and wondered perhaps this was a bad idea and should be abandoned while he still could. "It ain’t our bed time yet."

"Your bed time is when I say it is, now GIT!" JD roared, not wishing to have this conversation with his son.  

"Do you hate us?" Adam asked, standing his ground despite his father’s ugly mood. 

"What?" JD blinked and stared at the boy. "What kind of question is that?" He demanded. "I’m your father and I’m here! I wouldn’t be here if I hated you! I’d been gone! Like your mother!" 

"My mother died," Adam hissed, anger giving him more courage then sense. "She did because she was sick and she didn’t want to go! You told us that remember? You used to say that all the time. You’re not sick but you’re drunk!"  

"Don’t you talk to me that way!" JD stood up from his chair and strode over to the boy. "I’m your father!"  

"You’re not my father!" Adam shouted back angrily, tears starting to form in his eyes. "My father would be like this! He wouldn’t need a drink to look at his children!"  

"SHUT UP!" JD snapped and swung before he knew he had even done it. Through the haze of liquor he heard a cry of pain and the sound of a window opening somewhere in the house. It came upon him in a moment of clarity as he blinked and saw his eleven-year-old son on the floor, staring at him with tears that came not only from the blow struck but from the fact that it was the father he loved who had delivered it. Adam clutched his cheek with one hand while the other reached for the glasses that had broken when they were struck off his face.  

"Adam..." JD started to speak but could not find the words because there were no words to justify what he had done. None at all. 

It did not matter because Adam was on his feet in second, staring at him with a red bruise forming on his cheek. "You hate us pa but you can’t make us hate you. Mom wouldn’t want that and I’m not going to hate you because of her."

With that, he ran out of the house, not letting JD a chance to say or do anything else. JD could only watch him go, still in astonishment at having learnt so acutely at that instant that Casey was not the only thing he had left to lose. 

************

He was awakened by a hand pulling off the floor where he had fallen asleep in a drunken stupor following the disgraceful incident with Adam, where the only thing he had thought to do in wake of his behavior was to drown its memory in drink.

"Get up, goddamn it!" He heard a loud voice booming in his ears, making him flinch as his legs struggled to support him as he was hoisted to his feet unceremoniously. 

"What?" JD demanded groggily as he was forced to stand and found himself staring into Buck Wilmington’s face. Not that he had much chance to get an answer because no sooner than he was on his feet, he was being dragged out of the parlor, down the hallway, to the front door. Buck was tall enough and strong enough to ensure that JD did not put up much resistance, not that he could any way, he was still to hung over to produce that much effort. Buck did not speak during this entire procedure not even when JD felt the burst of sunlight from the morning burn into his sensitive eyes and he groaned in pain. The only thing that Buck did do however was to throw him unceremoniously into the water trough in the front of the house. 

The cold water did more for waking him up then anything that had transpired so far and as JD felt the iciness swirl in around him, he regained a little more sense of clarity that his earlier awakening. Sputtering with fury as he emerged from the water, JD stumbled out of the trough, soaking wet and fully alert now. Climbing out of it, he wiped the water from his face and brushed his hair out of his eyes as he raised his gaze to Buck.

"What the hell did you do that for?" He glared at Buck who was staring at him with a storm cloud brewing on the older man’s face. It was an expression seemed out of place on the usually happy go lucky scoundrel.

"You’re lucky that’s all your getting." Buck hissed as he came towards JD and stared down at him like he was a spoilt child. "Vin wanted to come over here and beat the crap out of you. I’m not far from doing it myself and the only reason I ain’t done it yet is because we’ve been friends too long and I know you’re still hurting from losing Casey."

"Mind your business Buck," JD turned away, not wishing to discuss it. 

"I’m sorry I can’t." Buck halted his progress and pulled him around with such force JD had no choice but to face him again. "I thought if I left you long enough you might get some sense into you but its obvious that ain’t gonna happen. You want to get drunk, you want to bury yourself is so much misery, that’s up to you. Those of us who are your friends will let you rot if that’s what you want, but you do not take it out on a boy! Jesus JD, you dislocated his jaw!"  

"I didn’t mean it!" JD shouted, suddenly understanding that only that could bring Buck here with so much rage behind him. "I was drunk!" he said feebly. "I didn’t know what I was doing and he was saying things..." 

"That ain't no excuse!" Buck growled and grabbed him by the collar. "Just because you lost your wife does not give you the right to beat up on your son! He’s lost too JD and he’s lost more than just a wife. He’s lost his mother, the only home he ever knew and now by the looks of it, he’s lost his father too!"  

"Leave me alone!" JD pulled away, not wishing to hear this. He felt so ashamed he could barely think and the strength to fight Buck’s words would not come.

"I can’t leave you alone," Buck returned sharply. "I’ve been waiting for you to snap out of it, to remember that you have a son and a daughter who need you more than ever! I can’t afford to wait anymore! Until you pull yourself together Nettie and Adam will stay with Vin! Vin doesn’t want him anywhere near you until you see fit to be a father to them!" 

"They’re my children!" JD found his voice then. "You don’t have the right to take them from me!"

"Well that’s the most paternal feeling you’ve shown since Casey died!" Buck roared. "You think we want to do this? We don’t, we just can't sit by and let you go on this way! We can’t do it because we loved Casey almost as much as you do and it would just break her heart to see this, JD."  

"Fine!" JD glared at him. "TAKE THEM! I ain’t no good to em anyway!" JD wrenched himself free from Buck and returned to the house. "They’re better off without me." 

"Is that all you got to say?" Buck looked at him astonished, wondering who this stranger was in the place of the young man who had meant so much to him, whom he treated not only as a brother but sometimes as a son. "Don’t you give a damn?"

"You’re right ain’t ya?" JD turned on him. "They’re better of without me and I ain’t no father to them!" 

"JD!" Buck felt his patience splinter with that remark. "You know something? I never thought I’d say this but when Casey died, she took the best of you with her and without her, you’re nothing." 

"How would you know?" JD retorted. "You’ve never lost anyone!"  

"No I haven’t," Buck responded. "But you’re not the only husband whose ever lost a wife. Chris lost his but you can sure as hell bet that if his Adam had survived, he wouldn’t be wishing otherwise because Sarah was not!"  

JD opened his mouth to speak but the words did not come, at least not until Buck had strode away from him, not trusting himself to say anymore.

**********

JD did not know how long it was until after Buck had gone that he had trusted himself enough to move from the spot where he had stood, contemplating what Buck had said. He soon came to the conclusion that Buck did not know what he was going through, no one did and therefore no one had the right to say anything. It was a comforting train of thought in which he wrapped himself as he got dressed to leave for town, telling himself that while the rest of his life may be steadily descending into disaster, at least he could keep his job. He ignored the baser truth that he had actually ran out of liquor and needed more. JD had never been a heavy drinker. Sure, he was known to get wasted with the rest of the seven but never to the point where he had been trapped in the cycle of dependency. He knew Ezra used to drink quite a bit but the gambler always seemed to be doing it to chase away unknown demons. Well if Casey dying on him was not a good enough reason, he did not know what was. 

Climbing on his horse, he looked up at the sky when a gust of strong wind blew against him. Overhead, the skies looked dark even though it was only mid afternoon. There were no reassuring patches of blue to be seen at all and the clouds above were thick and ominous. A storm was coming, JD noted and by the looks of it, a rather severe one by the presence of the thick, cumulous clouds that had taken charge of the sky above. The wind had picked up as he started riding into town and JD could hear the rustle of leaves as the wind rushed past them and see dirt, sand and other particles from the ground become swept up in the strong tide of air.

By the time he got more than five miles from home, the rain had started coming down hard. JD had paused long enough to wear his long coat to ensure that he did not get utterly drenched but he had no intention of turning back. The lure of that drink was too much for him, especially after what had happened this morning. He tried not to think that Buck might be right, that there was a kernel of truth to what Buck had said that perhaps he was lingering too much on Casey's death and not paying the attention he needed to his children. JD felt an ache in his heart each time he thought about what Adam said to him and wondered where his normally bookish and shy son had suddenly produced such a voice that spoke so eloquently and with words that had such a point to them.  

A part of him could not even began to imagine how he could have hit Adam the way he had. In all his life, JD had never raised a hand to his son. He had never needed to and the fact that he had done it left JD with a profound feeling of shame. It was no wonder Buck and Vin had reacted as they had. He supposed he ought to be grateful that it was Buck who had turned up to talk to him instead of Vin or worse yet, Chris Larabee. Chris had told him that it took time to get over something like this and JD had been waiting for it to happen but the pain did not subside and now it was coupled with fresh wounds. His son and daughter were strangers to him and by the sounds of it, his friends did not think that much of him either.

The rain came down even harder by the time he reached the river and JD saw its waters rushing past furiously as he came to a halt at the edge of the wooden bridge that ran over it. Once again, he reconsidered going back home and riding the tempest out. The water was moving so fast that the wooden slats were starting shudder and he could tell that it could the framework of the bridge was battling the river currents, the rain and the gale force winds that were moving past it. Despite his hat and coat, he was soaked through and nothing awaited him at home but more cold and too many memories of days before the children had come where he and Casey had waited out such storms snuggled in bed. After what happened there the night before, he was not ready to be there alone again.

Taking a deep breath, he nudged his horse across and though the animal stepped onto the bridge, it did not appear very happy. The rain was sweeping across the bridge in heavy sheets and JD had to dig his heels in to force the mount to continue across. His eyes began to fill with water as the rain came in at an angle, lashing his face. JD blinked to see through the veil of water but it was no easy feat when more moisture from the relentless downpour quickly replaced the rain he wiped from his eyes. JD urged his horse on, starting to consider that this might indeed be a bad idea when he looked up and saw the wooden framework of the bridge beginning to strain against the wind, nails began to appear as they were forced free and suddenly, something snapped somewhere.  

JD did not know exactly what it was but it sound as if a tree had been snapped in two like a twig. The effects following this eruption of sound was swift as he saw one piece of timber break free and disappear into the water, swept away at the blink of an eye. Another followed and soon the entire structure was collapsing, like a house of cards Ezra sometimes attempted to build. His horse panicked far sooner than he did, struggling to reach the other side as the slats underfoot also gave way. JD struggled to remain astride but when he saw the steed's head dip dangerously forward, he knew it was because there was no longer anything for the animal to stand on. He swore loudly but the words disappeared in the howl of the wind just as surely as he would when the waters came to claim him.

There was a moment of confusion, filled with noises of his horse braying in fear, of water thundering in his ears and the continued collapse of the bridge as the entire structure tumbled into the river. There was cold as the water snatched him under its waves and for a second, the sky disappeared as the rushing currents sucked him underneath. JD opened his mouth to breathe but water rushed in and suddenly he was surrounded by murky water dragging him far from where he had been, down the meandering path of the river. He lost sight of his horse and tried to reach the surface, fingers clawing through the water, seeking a hand hold in desperation and fear. None was to be found and he saw the land rushing past him, the tug of water in his clothes dragging him down. 

JD started to gasp as he tried to kick to the surface, thinking that if he did not get control of the situation, he was going to die. He was going to drown in the river and everyone would probably think he did himself in. Why shouldn't they? He had not given them any reason to believe that he was coping with Casey's passing. If anything, he had proven that he was incapable of surviving without her. His boots were filled with water and they were like weights around his ankles, forcing him father and farther away from the surface, hiding the sky as he sank to the depths. It was not as if it was the first tie he had done that; sunk to the depths that is, he thought ironically amidst his panic. He had been sinking since Casey died, getting father and father away from all the things that mattered, his children, his friends and his life. 

Why shouldn't he die this minute?

Why did he have to contribute to Adam and Annette except more pain? He thought of his son as his lungs started to shrivel up in his chest. His son, who had looked him in the eye with his bruised mouth and dislocated jaw and told him that no matter what he did to them, they would still love him. They would love him because of Casey. His son who was a better man that his father had ever been and was everything that was Casey in the finest way possible. As long as Adam was there, proud and defiant, showing that no obstacle was too great that he would dare, no matter how small and weak he looked, Casey would never really be gone. When on earth had he become so strong? The answer came to JD in a moment of clarity.  

He just was because he was Casey's son. 

All the time, people had thought that Adam took after him, they were wrong. Adam was Casey, strong, determined to hold things together when he couldn't. Hadn't she always been that way? Why did he expect her so to be any different, especially when he had been living inside of a bottle for so long? Annette was him, needing guidance, reassurance and friendship and it shamed JD that what everyone else had provided him with following his arrival in Four Corners was something he could not return to his own daughter. How could he have not seen that? How could he have not rejoiced in the fact that while he had them, she would never really be gone from his life?

It was not too late, JD had to tell his son that he was right. The person had been occupying the Dunne household these past months was not his father, the man who would survive this day was. Filled with a resolve not to break his son's heart a second time in as many days, JD kicked his legs harder and felt his boots come away from his feet. Their departure immediately ceased the drag to the bottom and JD released all the air in his lungs, allowing it to propel him upwards. He looked up seeing the sky beneath the uneven surface and knew that if he could just breach that veil, he would be safe. Swimming as hard as he could and fighting the currents, JD broke through the surface with a loud splash that was hardly noticeable among the crashing waves around him. However, it made little difference because he had made it and he rewarded that effort by taking deep gulps of air as he took stock of where the river had swept him.  

Swimming with the current instead of against it, he allowed the forces sweeping him forward to steer him towards the embankment. The weight of his clothes made the entire affair torturous and after what seemed like forever, his feet touched the mud of the shoreline creeping towards him. Feeling the soft earth beneath his feet produced a surge of hidden strength. He continued to press on until his feet were flat against the ground and the embankment was not something in the distance, but under his hands and feet. Clambering to the shore and feeling solid ground beneath him, JD collapsed exhausted, gasping greedily for air as the heart in his chest came to grips with the realization that the danger was over and stop pounding.

When his breathing slowed and he calmed himself down a little, JD just sat on the shore line for a spell, covered in mud staring at the river that had almost taken his life, in complete silence while the rain continued to teem around his ears. Something had escaped him as easily as the breaths he exhaled and JD thought it might have been anger and pain but soon understood that it was none of these but something closer to the heart and no less important; his grief. He sat there, thinking about Casey and their life and knew that no matter how much he wished it, prayed for it, begged it and fought against it, it was gone. It had been gone for sometime now and he knew it, he just could not accept it and he had to, for the sake of his children; for the last things of value Casey left him, he just had to let her go.

It started with a sharp intake of breath and then a hollow sound that escape his throat, like a wail of a banshee in the night. It dragged the soul out of him with one vicious pull and culminated in a loud sob that shook his entire body in its expression. He should have done this at her grave but denial had kept him from it and he held back, not realizing that he was also holding back his need to mourn. It was odd how he thought feeling the pain of someone's death and knowing that they were gone, were one and the same. They were not and it was a bridge that needed to be spanned from one place to the other or else he would be trapped, forever in pain, never moving beyond the moment. If it had not been for the fact that he had almost died in that river a short time leaving so many things undone, JD would never have understood that where he had been these past months, frozen in time, still tethered to Casey's death bed. 

Wondering how he was going to go on without her.

He did not know how long he sat on that embankment, letting the tears pour out of him as easily as the rain that was beating down on him. All JD was truly aware of was that he should have done this months ago and perhaps if he had, he might have spared himself the spiral the last six months of his life had become. He sobbed loud and hard, allowing the full vent of his grief to escape him, letting the large droplets of salty tears roll down his cheeks to become lost with the rain drops on his skin. His body shook as his sorrow exuded from him and he wept until he could weep no more and his entire soul felt as if it had been drained completely.

When the tears finally stopped, JD found to his surprise that though the pain was still there, it was somewhat tolerable. The weight that had been pressing down on his heart for so long was gone and what remained was an ache that did not seem to overwhelm him but offered a promise that in time, would fade even if it would never disappear entirely. JD could live with that and also understood that at that instance that he could live with a whole lot of other things to. There was no mistaking the fact that Casey would be with him no matter what but at least now he could accept that she was gone and that life did go on, as much as he hated to admit it, without her. Adam and Nettie needed him and for too long, he had pushed them away because of his own vulnerabilities, never imagining how it would be effecting theirs. He had failed both of them so miserably because he had not been able to see that while Adam and Nettie were not merely reminders of Casey's death but were also a celebration of her life. 

Everyone had told him that while his children were Casey's gift to him and they were right, he just had not listened. Pushing himself to his feet, JD looked around and saw his horse further up the shore. The animal appeared to be just as waterlogged as he and JD started walking forward, deciding that it was time the both of them came in from the cold. He reached the animal who announced its recognition with a little nicker. JD grabbed the harness around its equine head and stroke the wet bridge of its nose and sighed. 

"I guess we've both been a little lost." He said gently to the animal who did not understand the words but shared the sentiment. "Me a little more than you I think," he confessed. "Its time to find my way back again and hope I haven't screwed things up worse than I've already done." 

However to know that for sure, JD had to say these words to his children. Only then, would he know anything for certain. It was not something he relished doing, to face Adam and Nettie, to ask for their forgiveness but JD knew he had little choice but to do so. His behavior demanded that act of contrition and he was their father, he had to make them understand that he still loved them and he always would. If he could not manage that, then he would have lost Casey all over again.

And this time, it really would be forever.

**********

JD took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the Tanner household, uncertain of what kind of reception to expect when it was answered. He knew the reaction to his presence would be hostile at least from the adults that occupied this home and rightly so, if someone had hit a child JD would be equally incensed. Buck had said Vin had wanted to beat the hell out of him and if he could, JD wished to avoid the situation from reaching such ugliness. The task he came here to do was hard enough without having to go through Vin to accomplish it. He hoped Vin would step aside and let him do what was needed.  

The door swung open a moment later and JD found himself staring next to Vin Tanner's whose blue eyes hardened the instant he realized that it was JD standing at his door. "What do you want JD?" Vin asked, jaw clenching, trying not to let his anger get the better of him as he saw his old friend standing before him. 

"I need to see my kids." JD said quietly. 

"You think you can do it without hitting them?" Vin asked sharply, his voice was merciless. His own upbringing had been one of brutality in state run orphanages and he could not abide anyone who would strike a child. The only reason why JD was not already flat on his back for what he did to Adam was because Vin knew at the heart of this behavior was the anguish of losing Casey. 

"Yes," JD assured it, knowing he deserve such harshness. "I've been wallowing in self pity for the last six months Vin, getting angrier that Casey was gone and I was still here. I didn't understand she would never really be out of my life because of Adam and Nettie. I forgot that and I forgot a whole lot of others things about friends and family Vin, but I need to see my children, I need to make it right." 

The tracker's expression softened and he reached for JD, patting him on his shoulder and saying with a little smile. "Of course you do," Vin replied. "Its good to have you back JD."

"Its good to be back." JD answered. "I don't know where I've been these past months but I can at least say that much."

"You were probably in the same place any one of us might have been in if we lost the woman we loved though may be not that far gone," he joked a little trying to diffuse the tension with a little levity. It was obvious JD had reached something of a watershed moment and friendship sometimes meant having to take the good with that bad, like it was now. "Come on in." Vin parted the door wider for JD and invited him inside. 

"Adam! Nettie!" Vin called out as he walked deeper into the house. "They're in the kitchen." Vin informed him dutifully as he led JD through the hall. 

When they arrived at the kitchen, Sam, Nettie and Adam were at the kitchen table having a light snack, while Alex was feeding three year old Daniel. They all looked up at JD with a mixture of surprise and tension. JD could see Alex staring at him in disapproval, a look Vin disarmed with a meeting of their eyes. Sam glanced at Adam in concern, bringing to JD's attention the bandage he wore around his head to nurse the jaw he had dislocated and immediately causing a resurgence of intense shame and mortification at what he had done. If anything was capable of driving away forever, the need for a drink, it was that image of his son after his abuse. 

Adam and Annette merely stared at him. Annette was a little frightened of him but he could tell she was poised on hoping as only a nine year old could that things might turn out for the better no matter how bleak they might appear to be at present. Adam, on the other hand, stared back at him in anger and suspicion, a reaction JD thought was not entirely undeserved considering his behavior the night before and realized that of the two, his apology would have to convince Adam the most. Well he was certainly going to try.

"Kids," JD swallowed staring at them with open regret in his eyes for all his bad behavior. "I need to talk to you."

Annette looked uncertainly at Adam, needing his guidance to make her decision. Adam did not move his eyes away from his father and nodded without even glancing at her. Slowly, the duo rose from their seats and followed JD into the parlor, away from the Tanners so they could talk in private. When they entered the room, no one spoke for a few seconds and Adam stared at him in expectation, waiting for him to speak first. JD took his hat out of his hand, feeling lower than dirt as he stared into his son's accusing eyes and his daughter's hopeful face .He had to rise to the occasion, he had to prove to them he could be their father again.

"I'm sorry." He said first and foremost. "I'm sorry for how I've been." 

Annette looked shocked and Adam's reaction was hidden under his eyes. Neither of the children spoke, waiting for their father to continue.

"Your mother was the only woman I have ever loved. We met when we little more than teenagers ourselves and I've had her in my life ever since I've been in the west. When she died, I thought that I couldn't go on, I didn't know how. All I could think of was being without her and the pain that came with it made me so blind with anger, I couldn't see straight. I tried to feel numb by drinking, by pushing you too away because I looked at you and I saw your mother and it just reminded me that she was gone all over again. I didn't realize that both of you were in just as much pain as I was and thanks to how I've been, you lost both of us, not just your ma. I didn't mean to do that to you Adam, Nettie. I was hurting and I took it out on you both but I never stopped loving you." JD blinked and felt tears in his eyes at having to make the admission. He blinked and looked away for a second in order to compose himself when he felt a small hand take his. 

"I love you too daddy." Nettie's voice penetrated his grief.

JD glanced down and saw his daughter smiling at him and then understood how right he had been in thinking that while he had them, Casey still lived for the smile on her face was undoubtedly Casey's, beaming at him with love. JD lowered himself to her eye level and answered. "You're so much your mother Nettie, its scares me sometimes but it also makes me very glad. I love you both and I'm sorry I haven't been your pa the way I should have been." 

Nettie's response was to embrace him hard and as JD felt his daughter in his arm, fresh tears ran down his cheeks, at the understanding how that simple act of contact could do so much to heal his ravaged heart. He held her in his arms for a few seconds, more grateful than ever that his children were here and rebuking himself again for not comprehending that until now. After a few seconds, he pulled away and stood up once more, his fingers still entwined with Nettie's as he stared at Adam who had not moved and was still wearing that indifferent expression on his face.

"Adam," JD met his son's eyes. "I should never have hit you. It was wrong and disgraceful. I've never hit you in your life and I've never been so ashamed that I did it now. I know just saying I'm sorry to you won't change things in your mind about me but I'm asking for another chance to show you that I can be better."

"You won't drink anymore?" Adam spoke, the words forced out with some effort because of his injury.

"Not the way I did since your mother died." JD responded automatically. "You were right Adam about everything. I couldn't look at you without seeing your mother and that just made things worse. I know there isn't much I can do to prove to you that I'm better now, except to answer your question, which is I don't hate you or your sister. I never did, I just so wrapped up in my own grief I could see anything thing else but losing her."

"We miss her too pa," Adam came forward. "I think about her a lot. I miss her singing in the kitchen when she makes supper, I miss not having her listen to me tell stories with Nettie on her lap and the way she makes the house smell with her cooking."

"I know," JD felt his heart breaking because he missed all those things too and suddenly became aware of how much he shared with his two children in their mutual grief. "I love you Adam, I love you and your sister. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you but I promise I will be there from now on, I can do it now." 

Adam did not need to hear any more than that and hugged his father tight because he needed a hug and because that was what his mother would expect him to do. Besides, there was enough pain to go around already, there was no need for Adam to perpetuate it by feeling anger at his father for sins that could not be erased and he wanted thing to be right between them again. His father needed forgiveness and to have back the man he had always loved, Adam was more than willing to do that.

"I love you pa." Adam whispered softly. "Let's go home."  

Yes, JD thought to himself with that statement. It was time to take his family home.

TO BE CONTINUED