Part Six

Someday

His son Thomas, or Tommy as he preferred to be known, was three years old when Nathan Jackson had finally reached accreditation as a recognized member of the medical community. It was in essence one of the proudest days of his life and his friends were right there by his side to enjoy it with him. He remembered the celebration that had taken place fondly. He and Rain had been living in the house once occupied by Alexandra Styles that had been the venue for her first clinic in Four Corners. Shortly before Sam was born, the Tanners had moved to the Lucky Seven Ranch and Alex had turned over the clinic and the home above it to Nathan, citing that he would need a practice of his own when he became a doctor. Although he had been a little saddened by the idea of leaving his infirmary, Nathan had wanted a real home for himself and Rain and it was a gift he could not refuse. 

He remember how they had spent the whole day in celebration, enjoying respectable merriment during the day with their wives before descending into a drunken chugging session which eventually culminated in them passing out in complete inebriation at the clinic. Nathan had learnt for the first time that no matter how comfortable it looked, an examination table was no place to spend the night. Their wives, to add insult to injury, had no sympathy for any of them the next morning when they were visited by a hangover that would have made death the more palatable of the two symptoms. Nathan recalled sitting behind his desk, clutching his head in throbbing pain, wishing to be left alone to die but only to be reminded by Rain that he was Doctor Jackson now and it was time he started getting used to it. 

For Nathan, it had been a sobering moment.

After she had gone and left him with that thought and a very large pot of coffee, Nathan had sat behind his desk and pondered what that truly meant. He had spent so much time in attaining the title he had scarcely considered what changes his life would take once he did become a doctor. He had assumed he would attain his degree and that would be the end of it. He would go on as before, healing those who needed it only this time, he could tell them that he really was a doctor, not just some sawbones who learnt most of his skills from the battlefield. There was no shame in that of course but it was good to be able to look up on a wall and see a piece of paper from a fancy university saying he was a real doctor.  

Nathan came to the realization that it was not just an achievement for himself but also for his race. The Emancipation Act was two decades behind America and yet the equality craved by slaves existed in name only. They were no longer slaves but they were far from free. Equality would come eventually, even if took a hundred years for society to see a Negro as the absolute equal of a white man. It required foundation to be laid to combat the popular misconceptions of inferiority promoted by bigots and other small minded people. The foundation had to be composed of men and women who could prove that the color of one's skin had very little to do with one's ability to succeed. He was the first generation that would lay the groundwork for a world that was made for not just the white man but also the black.  

Until he became a doctor, Nathan had not realized how much his own achievement contributed to that dream. Nathan realized that others would be judged by how he conducted himself as a doctor and it was a sobering thing to understand how great a responsibility it was. He had wanted to be a doctor because that had been his dream and in a world where black men were not supposed to have such grand hopes, it was an achievement that he had realized his. Rain had stated that he was proof that nothing was impossible if one was willing to work hard enough for it, despite the seemingly unassailable obstacles created by others. He was a role model for others to try, to achieve their own hopes and their own dreams. He understood why Alex took such pains to be the complete professional as a doctor, after all, wasn’t her conduct a reflection on whether or not women could be capable physicians?

While he did not see himself as a role model as such, he did try to be the best doctor he could and worked hard to prove it, in particular to those who saw him as a black man and doubted his abilities for that simple fact alone. Fortunately, he rarely had to worry about such things in Four Corners who were accustomed to him being their doctor for as long as he had lived in town. It amazed him actually how many townspeople were happy for him to make the transition from healer to real doctor and he was quite startled when he was referred to as Doctor Jackson. It was a nice hearing it but even after so long, it took some getting used to. Of course, the rest of the seven never had any difficulty with the new title because in their minds at least, he had always been a doctor. Just because it did not appear on paper, did not make it any less so.

When his children were born Nathan was determined that Thomas and Rebecca had all the opportunities that he never had. More than anything, he wanted his children to never be hampered by the prejudices of society to accomplish their goals. He taught them to walk proud and tall, to never be ashamed of what they were and that they had a right to be just as anyone else. It helped that their friends were the other children spawned by the seven and that they could experience the same camaraderie that he had enjoyed since coming to Four Corners. More than anything, his friends showed him how things ought to be, not how they were. Despite the close knit friends that Tommy seemed to have acquired, in particular his friendship with Peter Standish and Mike Larabee, Nathan could not hide his concern that someday when his son went into the world, he would learn that not all white folk were like his friends. Nathan dreaded that day with a passion, aware that there were hard lessons ahead for Tommy and th ough he tried to prepare the boy, it was impossible for Tommy to really understand until he experienced it himself. 

As the years moved on, Nathan expected the world to change a little but it did not. Changes came but not fast enough for his liking. The racial divide remained and while Tommy's childhood had been spared such things, the passing of that innocent age meant the required passing of his ignorance as well. Four Corners had not been small enough to have a large school so the classes were integrated to suit all racial types. Four Corners' proximity to Mexico and its large population of Negroes ensured that folk got along through necessity even though there were bound to be ripples every now and then. Tommy and Rebecca went to the same school with the rest of their friends and they learnt the same things. His son had a mind for the sciences and Nathan knew Tommy had the intelligence to go as far as he liked. As far as Nathan was concerned, Tommy would get the education that was still denied to many colored people across the country. 

Tommy received his first taste of how things were when he made the mistake of applying to the same colleges as the rest of his friends and came starkly upon the racial divide that separated white and black America. He had hoped to attend the same colleges as that being applied to by Peter soon learnt that many were at the moment, exclusively white. While they could object to it, the rest of the seven’s children could do very little to change things although Peter had sworn that wherever Tommy went he was sure to be close by. Tommy was prepared to give up hope when he found himself offered a place at Yale University in New Haven, Conneticutt. Yale had been offering placements to Negroes since the 1870’s and it was a non-segregated school. Although success was at hand, Tommy wondered if perhaps it was not the better decision if he went to one of the black colleges like Fisk. However, it was Nathan who convinced him otherwise.

Yale was a prestigious school and the fact that they had accepted his son proved that they recognized Tommy’s abilities. Nathan wanted Tommy to learn what it was to compete with white folk, to show them that he had every right to be there as much as they did. In his life, Tommy would have to deal with prejudice and doubt regarding his abilities and as far as Nathan was concerned, the sheltered environment of an all black college would not do. He needed to develop calluses and be desensitized to the obstacles that life would no doubt put before him because of his colour. As much as Nathan hated doing that to his son, as a Negro it was a lesson that was vital for Tommy to know. It was not Nathan’s intention to make Tommy distrust white folk but rather prepare him for the ones he knew would cast aspersions on his ability the moment he arrived.  

For most of summer, Conneticutt had been a place spoken about leisurely. Josiah had actually been there and remarked that it was a nice enough place, far away from New York to escape its big city rush but close enough to be very much an eastern state. Nathan had never been further up the Mason Dixon line to learn otherwise and his perception of Yale, New Haven and Conneticutt was the place his son was going to in order to show the world that a black man could stand up and be counted like everyone else. It did not even occur to him that Conneticutt was hundreds of miles away and so far from New Mexico that visits home were going to be next to impossible for Tommy unless it was for a lengthy break. Ezra had been complaining about it a little because he was not only losing a son but also a daughter. While Peter would be attending Yale with Tommy, Penny was bound for the theatre in New York. Julia Pemberton had an aunt there who would take the girl in while she pursued her acting career. It mad e Nathan somewhat grateful that Rebecca was still too young to be leaving home for any reason. 

Nathan told himself that he would be happy for his son, not be sad to see him go. After all, he had already been prepared for this when they saw Billy Travis leave for West Point. A few years later, Mike would do the same when he went off to college as well as Sam who left Four Corners for Eagle Bend in order to begin her apprenticeship as a cadastral surveyor. Whenever one of their children left home, it seemed as if they all suffered in some way. While nursing their drinks in the Four Corners Tavern, pretending that they were still hardened men and not fathers and husbands, the seven would try to maintain the illusion that the departure of the children had not stung.

Chris as always was stoic when Billy had gone and even more so Mike had left. Buck seemed grateful that Elena Rose had started working in the Pemberton Emporium and had no plans for a college education. Business was in her blood and she soon made herself indispensable to Julia. Buck’s son Jimmy wanted to work on the ranch, while Kyle wanted to follow Billy's footsteps and join the Academy. Josiah was the luckiest of them all since all Lilith worked with Mary at the Clarion News. Equally fortunate at least for the time being was JD because Adam had also confessed a similar desire to work on the newspaper.

Nathan was determined that when the time came, he would not be as melancholic as Ezra was bound to be. The gambler who had been more or less a full time father since the twins were born was trying hard to deny what a sizeable gap Peter and Penny would leave in his life once they were gone. Nathan told himself that he would not suffer the same way as Ezra because he had patients to worry about that would lessen the impact of Tommy’s absence from his life. However, with the arrival of fall and the beginning of the school term a week away, Nathan suddenly wondered what on Earth he was thinking, intending to send his child half way across the country, so far away from home. What did he know about Conneticutt anyway? Tommy would not know anyone but Peter and Penelope being so far from home and what happened if he landed in trouble? Who would be there to help him?

"This is a bad idea." Nathan stated whilst at their usual table in the Standish Tavern, enjoying a quick drink before he headed off home. The rest of the seven were sharing it with him, as it had been their habit for more years than any of them cared to remember.  

"What exactly is a bad idea?" Ezra glanced at him. 

"What was I thinking sending him all the way to Conneticutt! He’s just a boy!" Nathan exclaimed with wide eyes, as if the realization had just struck home what he would be facing tomorrow.

"Ah." Ezra nodded with a smug smile. "I see that I’m not the only one, who is having difficulty, how did you put it? Untying the apron strings?"

"Conneticutt is just too far away. What if something happens to him? It would take me a week to get there!" Nathan continued to ramble, his paranoia mounting with each terrible thought that crossed his mind. "He’s my son. I can’t just abandon him!"

 "Nathan," Josiah spoke up. "He’s almost eighteen years old. He’s not a boy anymore."  

"He is to me!" Nathan bit back. "And what would you know, your daughter is in town. You can keep an eye on her all time. Tommy is going off to face God only knows what in the east! I mean you read stories about all those terrible things happening to people in the city! I can’t let him go!"

"Nathan calm down," Chris gave him a look. "You’re starting to panic."

"That’s easy for you to say," he gave Chris a frantic stare. "When Billy went, he had a grandfather near by to make sure that he wasn’t always entirely alone and Mikey was near enough for you to get to! But Tommy will be alone!" 

"Tommy’s a smart kid," Vin retorted. "He knows how to take care of himself."  

"But…." 

"But nothing," Ezra said sharply. "Now you were the one told me to allay my fears because I was sending not only one child but both of mine into the world. You were the one who claimed rather boldly that our children needed to find their own way and that we could not choose it for them. Whatever is to come must be, for them to learn what it is to survive on their own. It was on your advice that I chose to let Penelope go off to find fortune as a thespian and if you are now telling that this was not a good idea then I am going to harangue you Mr. Jackson." 

"Look you two," Buck added his voice into the debate. "Tommy, Peter and Penny are not gonna be alone. They’re going to have each other and if there’s one thing we’ve learnt by now, our kids tend to stick together. Christ knows they learnt that well enough from us." 

Neither Nathan nor Ezra could disagree with that. Tommy and Peter were as close as any friends could be, they had been for most of their lives and none of the seven anticipated that situation changing despite the change in venue. However Nathan knew that his guilt was motivated by more than just his son being alone in a new place, it was for convincing him to go to Yale and forcing him to face white folk on their terms. He wondered if he was not placing an unfair burden on Tommy’s shoulders by indicating he had to succeed for the good of his people. He reminded himself to talk to Tommy about it before the boy left, just to make sure.  

The opportunity to do so never came. The following day, the Jackson household was in a state of chaos as both parents found themselves running a dozen errands to ensure everything was in readiness for Tommy’s departure. The entire morning became consumed in such endeavors and by the time it came for Tommy to leave, Nathan was too filled with emotion to say anything more to the boy then how much he was going to miss him. He saw Tommy and Peter boarding the same stagecoach and knew that it was more than just his son leaving home that made him so sad, it was also the passing of Tommy’s childhood. Even though both Ezra and Nathan knew that their sons were merely going off to college, there was a deeper realization that after this point, they could not be thought as children any longer but rather young man facing the world and whatever it had to offer. 

Nathan only hoped that whatever it had for Tommy would not be too discouraging. 

************

For the next few months, the letters that Nathan received from Tommy were promising. Although it had been a substantial change in environment in terms of the fact that the Yale campus was almost comparable in size to the town of Four Corners, Tommy seemed to have adapted well enough. The classes were difficult, no more than he had anticipated they would be and some of the other students had the advantage of attending fancy preparatory schools that made their transition as freshman all the more smoother. The positive note of Tommy’s letters did much to alleviate his father’s fears in regards to how he fared at the prestigious institute and Nathan wondered if it was possible that he had been wrong about what Tommy would encounter at the school.  

Perhaps things were changing after all. 

***********

"Thank God we’re home." Peter Standish said with a sigh when he saw the familiar sights of Four Corners surrounding the stagecoach that had returned to the familiar surroundings of home. After the last few months away, Peter was more than glad to be home on familiar ground. He knew Tommy probably felt that way and hoped that Christmas at home would lift his best friend’s spirits somewhat. The last months had been hardest on Tommy most of all and only Peter could fully appreciate just how difficult they had been since he was the only one privy to much of what his friend had been enduring.

"Yeah," Tommy nodded somberly, casting his gaze out the window and feeling some measure of balance returning to his universe as he felt to the security of the home that had never made him feel as terrible as the past months away from it had been. "Thank God." He mused softly. 

"Tommy," Penny sighed, sliding an arm around his shoulder. "Maybe you should think about not going back." 

"Penny!" Peter exclaimed, horrified that she could even bring up such an idea.  

"Well someone needs to say it to him!" Penny glared at him and retorted. "I don’t like seeing Tommy this way any more than you do!"

 "He shouldn’t have to leave!" Her brother returned fiercely. "He has every right to be there!" 

"Normally I would agree with you," Penny returned, refusing to let Peter think that her statement was based on any belief that Tommy was inferior in any way. "But they’re not going to give him the chance to find out! They're going to keep trying to push him out!"

"Not everyone of them thinks that way!" Peter defended his classmates even though he did it mostly for Tommy's benefit. He did not want Tommy to believe that everyone was against him. "They don't know him like we do! Most of them have wanted to know a colored person! He's got to show them that he's worth knowing." 

"Do the both of you think you can stop talking to me like I'm not here?" Tommy finally responded and gave them both a stern look.

Peter immediately felt admonished and for his insensitivity but he was also quite annoyed that Penny had suggested what she did. "I'm sorry Tommy." He immediately apologized. "You worked so hard to get there, I don't want to see it taken away from you."

"Neither do I Tommy," Penny declared, wishing to clarify her position so that he understood that her stance earlier was not out of any lack of confidence in him but rather fear that he might be hurt more than he already was. "You're my family too and I'm worried the pressure you're under and the way those fools treat you is going to keep you from concentrating on what's really important." 

"I know," Tommy gave her a warm look, knowing that beneath her sometimes superficial and vain exterior was a heart of gold, full of love and kindness. It had touched him greatly that she had called him part of her family especially after the behavior he had been experiencing at the hands of other white people. "I appreciate what you're saying but I can't quit, no matter how hard it gets."

"It's not going to get better." Penny sighed regretfully, her eyes filled with worry. "They're stupid people who have not been taught better. I thought where we came from was small and backward, that the people in the city were worldly and smart but they aren't, they're just mean and they judge others by appearances alone. There so many people around them, that's all they have time for so its easy to generalize someone different rather than stopping a minute to get to know them."

"You're right," Tommy agreed and was rather impressed by how astute that observation was. He supposed that despite the fact she had chosen to go straight to the theatre as opposed to studying first, Penny knew more about people than either he or Peter. She observed them to learn her trade and in studying them, she understood them a great deal better "But I still can't quit."

"Why not?" She implored. Tommy was like her brother too. Since childhood, he and Peter had been close friends and she feared for him surrounded by all those bigots and detractors. 

"Because my father told me how important it is that I stay." Tommy replied earnestly. "I'm one of the first few black men to have the opportunities that I do. Yale is a great school, its a prestigious school and there are not many of us who are allowed in, if any at all. My father says I have to tough it out to make it easier for the others who come after me."

"I'm glad." Peter said firmly, giving Penny a look of triumph that Tommy was staying. "You deserve to be there and I'll stand by you no matter what happens." He replied, determined to do as he had been doing the past months, ignoring the cruelties hurled in his direction because of his friendship with Tommy. If there was one thing that Peter had learnt being Ezra Standish' son was that good people were hard to find and friends were even harder. He could say with confidence that Tommy would do anything for him if he was in need and Peter knew for a fact, he would do the same for Tommy. Since leaving Four Corners and venturing out into the world, devoid of his father and the rest of the seven watching comfortingly over them, Peter had learnt how valuable true friendship could be.  

"Thanks Peter." Tommy answered gratefully; aware of what Peter had been hiding from him. He knew that defending him had made Peter as much an outcast as he and he would have told his best friend that it was not necessary, if he did not know that the request would offend Peter greatly. Sometimes Tommy wondered how two disparate cynics like Ezra Standish and Julia Pemberton had produced such an idealistic son. Peter seemed so unlike his parents, even Penny who seemed to be more aware of the uglier side of people than her brother. Tommy wondered which branch of the Standish line had Peter been a throwback. "I couldn't do it without your help." 

"Anytime brother." Peter grinned.

"Okay, so we're agreed then." Tommy returned to the subject they had discussed at length before arriving in Four Corners now that the stagecoach was well and truly in town and about to pull up next to the Gem Hotel. "Nothing is said to my father. As far as he's concerned, I'm just doing great in college, right?" He stared at both Penny and Peter in anticipation of their agreement to his request.

"Alright," Penny frowned. "But I'm not happy about this." She grumbled as the Concord came to a stop. "I happen to respect your dad and I know that he wouldn't want you to be at this stupid school if it was making you miserable!"  

"Penny please....." Tommy was almost begging her. "It means so much to him that I do well there, I don't want to disappoint him. He's right, its a great honor for me to be there and its got to be hard for me so that it will be easier for the others." 

"Oh Tommy," Penny sighed, placing her hand on his cheek. "I love you, you, know? You're like my brother and I'll do this for you. I'm a great actress so Uncle Nathan won't see anything else but what you want him to see but I'm telling you this for your own good and you should listen because I'm a woman and I'm smarter than you; Yale is just a school. It doesn't matter what you do for the others. The future takes care of itself. You should be there for you and only you. You shouldn't be there for anyone else."

"I know you're right Penny," Tommy let out a sigh as the Concord came to a halt and they could hear the driver lowering himself from his perch along with the whiney of horses that were eager for a rest after their long journey. "Maybe I'll tell him someday but not right now. I just couldn't bear to have him be so disappointed in me." 

"He's your pa, Tommy." Peter interjected. "He could never be disappointed in you. Look, we'll cover for you, you don't have to worry about that. You dad will never know how things really are for you, okay?"

"Thanks," Tommy said clearly relieved as he prepared to get out of the carriage. However, he did not mention to either Penny or Peter that it was not them he was so concerned about letting the truth slip to his father about life in college, it was himself. 

********

It was Christmas in New Mexico. 

Every member of the Magnificent Seven seemed to make it to church on Christmas Day. It did not matter that for the most of the year, very few of the seven saw reason to venture into the structure at all. It was not that they were faithless men by any means, it was just that their eyes had seen too much to completely place their faith in a supposedly all seeing God who required so much proof of their devotion. However, Christmas Day was a celebration of all they had, of the successes and even the tragedies of their lives, it was a day for families and no matter how jaded they were, they could not help but still want to be part of something like that.  

Although Josiah Sanchez was far from being a practicing preacher as such, the town saw the erudite big man with the voice of spring shaking off the winter cold as their spiritual leader. Unlike most preachers, he did not have the habit of forcing the Lord down their throats, guiding his flock so to speak by allowing his actions to speak to them. To the town of Four Corners, Josiah who lived among them, who fought for and by them was more of a preacher to them than any that had come before him. His duties as town preacher were light but on Christmas Day, it was more or less his lot to conduct the service and while it had taken some years to overcome his fear of addressing the congregation (aided by a great deal of Red Eye). 

Josiah stared at the faces before him and was pleased by what he saw. Chris Larabee and his family with present. He flashed Lilith a smile as she cradled her daughter Hannah and still found himself musing at the realization that he was now a grandfather. Beside her, Billy Travis in uniform sat next to his wife, his arm draped over her shoulder. Mike was also home from college and seemed to look more and more like Chris in manner if not entirely in appearance, each time he was seen by the seven. Kyle and Sarah were chuckling to themselves before being nudged by Mary who told them both to be still.  

It was also the first year that JD Dunne had made such a public appearance with the new woman in his life, Naomi Claremont. Naomi had arrived in town three years after Casey had passed on, having bought the hotel from Mr Heidegger when the man had decided to return to journey. Originally an entertainer from the East, Naomi with her dazzling blond hair and air of New York style had opted for a new beginning by running her own business and performing in the hotel as a singer. Although she was very different from Casey in almost every way, her affection for JD was never in doubt. From the moment she had arrived in town, Naomi had more or had her mind set on JD and for a widower who had been alone for the past three years, he never stood a chance of being able to deny her. Still the relationship had been tentative at first with JD's reluctance having to do mostly with the overcoming the idea that anyone could take Casey's place in his heart. 

When such doubts had dissipated, JD began to court Naomi very casually. The lady's approach to his two children were a little less forward, with her and Annette being friends mostly because Naomi was unafraid to announce her intention of being no one's mother. Instead, she preferred to be Annette's friend and to a young girl whose mother could never be replaced by anyone, the arrangement seemed to work quite well indeed. Josiah was just glad to see JD a little happier again. Even after all this time, the rest of the seven still felt the need to protect the youngest of them, despite the fact that JD was town sheriff and a father of two children. 

Josiah kept his sermon short because there was nothing worse than prattling on too long when his audience wanted to get home and start celebrating the day. He knew he himself was filled with such anticipation. As it was their habit since they had come together, the seven were celebrating Christmas together at the Lucky Seven ranch. The celebration seemed all the more important with all the children home although Josiah was aware that would come day that when these gathering would be less frequent and the children would go their own ways. Although none of the seven men would admit it, none of them were eager to see that day come. 

**********

 Lord knows there were too old for it but habits were hard to break and after Christmas lunch, the children of the seven found themselves congregating in their favorite place at the Lucky Seven ranch, in the loft above the barn. It was the venue of so many dreams and childhood discussions. No matter how old they were or where their lives might take them, in this place at least, their childhood could remain intact and forever. Lying spread out on the hay, laughing and relating the course their lives had taken, it felt as if they were children again and it had become a ritual for as many of them to gather here whenever the opportunity allowed for it. Now that the years were hurtling by so quickly, it seemed all the more important to keep in touch.

"So you actually got a part in play?" Sam asked as she listened to Penelope relating her news. "I mean they saw you and thought you were good?"

"Yes!" Penny declared hotly tossing a handful of hay at Sam for her teasing. "I am playing Lavinia, daughter of Titus Andronicus!"

"Titus?" Jimmy joked. "That the Titus Lonsdale that guy who robbed a bank in Amarillo last month?"  

"Shut up you!" Elena Rose swatted her younger brother on the head gently. "Its Shakespeare!" 

"Go on," Mike urged, "say a line or two." 

"Oh great Mike, now we'll never shut up, she'll do the whole damn play!" Peter grumbled. "She lives for someone saying that to her!" 

"You are not my brother." Penny glared at him and then took a deep breath as if preparing to shed herself like a snake skin in order to assume the role she was meant to play. "Okay, let's see this is from my last speaking act, where I am about to be violated...." 

"Woah! There are children here!" Elena cautioned, glancing anxiously at Rebecca, Sarah, Jimmy and Kyle.  

"I'm seventeen years old!" Nettie declared imperiously. "I am not a child!" 

"I'm twelve." Sarah said with just as much dignity. "Momma says I'm a lady." 

"Mom said that to you since you were three years old Sarah," Kyle pointed out and received a glare from Sarah's piercing green eyes. "It don't make it true." 

"We'll be fine!" Jimmy scowled. "I want to hear it!" 

"You see, Jimmy has taste." Penny tipped her nose upwards. 

"Not after he hears you massacring the role." Peter teased.

"SHUT UP!" Adam barked playfully and stared at Penny with a smile, drawing a groan from her brother as he flopped back on to the hay. "Go on."

"Tis the present death I beg, and one thing more

That womanhood denies my tongue to tell

O' keep me from their worse-than-killing lust,

And tumble me into some loathsome pit

Where never man's eye may behold my body.

Do this, and be a charitable murderer."

"And then I get dragged off and violated and they cut out my tongue and chop off my hands." Penny concluded. "It will be my finest hour."

"That's one way to put it." Sam chuckled.  

Mike was about to speak when he noticed Tommy was not paying attention but staring out the window, into the sky outside. Leaving the others as they offered Penny their critique on her performance. Although three years older than he, in their youth, it had been Tommy, Peter and he that made up the triumvirate that always landed them in more trouble than they knew what to do with. It had been hardest for Mike to leave for college because had made the journey alone being the oldest of their group. Billy did not count because he had gone to West Point when they were still children. However, Mike had been the first to leave home after Billy and though Sam was not far behind him, she only had to go as far as Eagle Bend. Mike had never thought he could feel so alone as those first few months away from Four Corners and everyone he had ever known. 

California was a nice place but it had been a world away from what he had known before. As he approached Tommy, he had some idea of what was plaguing his friend. No doubt, Tommy felt the same loneliness. It was not the same for Peter because Penny was close by but for Tommy, who found himself not only alone because of family but because of his color, Mike imagined it must have been even worse.

"Hey," he said sliding against the wall next to Tommy. "How's things in New Haven." 

"Fine." Tommy returned softly, his gaze still staring out the window. "Its college right. They're all the same." 

"Well not exactly," Mike shrugged. "I mean you're at Yale and I'm at Berkeley. I'm sure they both had pretty different ideas on each other."

"They're all the same." Tommy returned unimpressed by that statement. 

"How you doing over there?" Mike asked, perceptive enough to know that that not all was as rosy as Tommy had attempted to make them believe.  

"Okay," Tommy shrugged. "I have to study a lot to keep up with them. I don't want to look like a dumb ass nigger."

The use of the word shocked Mike to no end. In all his life, he doubted he had ever heard anyone in Four Corners come out and openly say it, especially in his hearing. When he left town for college, he noticed how some white folk called some Negroes that and there was so much derision behind the word that it was all Mike could do to keep from flattening the people who said that because of its cruel intent. Hearing it come from Tommy astonished him and convinced Mike that nothing everything was as perfect as the picture Tommy had painted to his father about his life at Yale.  

"So you want to lose the attitude and tell me what the problem is?" Mike responded coolly, recovering in record time to appear unperturbed. 

"Why?" Tommy stared at him. "Its not like you can do anything about it." 

"Probably not," Mike agreed. "But I can listen." 

"There's nothing to tell Mike," Tommy sighed, aware that he should not be taking out his frustrations on Mike especially when his friend was only trying to help. "I can't leave and they hate me." 

"Is this about your dad?" Mike guessed, aware of how proud Nathan was about Tommy making it to Yale, one of the most prestigious schools in the country.  

"He's so proud of me Mike," he sighed heavily, as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. Well not so much the weight of the world as it was the weight of responsibility. "I can't let him down. I won't." 

"You're not letting him down if you want out of Yale." Mike replied. "Hell given a choice, I wouldn't exchange Berkley for Yale for anything. Its hard even for a white kid to survive there, I can't imagine how you're doing." 

"The teachers don't say anything to me but I can see it in their eyes," Tommy whispered softly. "They look at me and they look at Peter and I can see the difference in how they see us. They try not to show it but I know." 

"I can't make any excuses for them Tommy," Mike answered gently. "I'm not even going to bother. All I can say is that it will get better someday but I don't think its right that you should have to shoulder the weight of your father's dreams. If you're not going to Yale or to college for anyone but yourself then you have no business being there. It's a place wasted and should go to someone who wants to be there for the right reasons, not because they think they have to be a representative for their entire race. Nobody should have that kind of responsibility on them."

"It means so much to him." Tommy said quietly. 

"I know," Mike sighed. "I can see that but you mean a lot to him too." 

"This is too hard." Tommy replied. "I thought I could manage their hatred but I can't. They look at me and they don't even know me but they've already made up their minds. Why do they do that? What makes my color so important?" 

"I don't know," Mike replied. "I haven't been away at college long enough to answer that one." 

"Things have changed so much." Tommy sighed, knowing that he was being pushed towards a decision he had no wish to make but had little choice. His friends were right and in his heart he knew that he was right about how he felt but he still could not bring himself to do what was needed. He just could not bear to see that disappointment in his father's eyes if he were to tell Nathan how he really felt. "I wish it stayed the way they did when we kids. Everything was so much simpler then. I mean all we had to worry about was you dragging us off on some stupid treasure hunt. All this growing up, its hard."

"I guess that's why people don't like doing it." Mike agreed looking over his shoulder at his friends, laughing and talking as if nothing had changed and yet everything had. "Sometimes change is good. I college isn't all that bad is it? I know those asses there must be taking any good there is out of the experience but a whole new world opened for me when I went. I hoped it did for you too." 

"It has in more ways than one." Tommy answered. "Although there are times I can almost understand why dad wanted me to go to college at Yale. I think it wasn't just the learning and the prestige, I think that it was to meet people just like the ones that make it so hard for me there." 

"Why would he do that?" Mike asked puzzled that Tommy could think his father capable of such a thing. 

"Maybe because racism exists. All my life, I've lived in Four Corners, surrounded by friends like you so I never really know how bad it could be outside of it." Tommy declared almost as if the answer was a revelation in itself. Was that his father's reasoning behind what he had been enduring at Yale? For him to develop calluses around his emotions so that he would be capable of dealing with people like the one he had met in college? "I mean think about it." He met Mike's gaze. "While I've been here, I've never really been judged by my color. In Four Corners, I'm Doctor Jackson's son and that's how people see me, even the white folks. But it isn't like that everywhere is it?" 

"No," Mike shook his head. "It isn't. The outside world will see you as Negro first, a man second. When I left Four Corners, I realized that there are good people and then there are the kind that can be ugly and cruel and sometimes no matter how much you want to stop what they do or change how they think, you can't. I wish you didn't have to find out something like that this way." 

"Maybe its better I find out this way first, before I really have to go out on my own." The younger man mused. "My dad was a slave and he learnt early on how to deal with the way things are. If I didn't learn, I would go through my whole life being angry with everyone and everything. It could have been really bad."

"It could have been," Mike agreed with a little smile. "I guess he was trying to prepare you for what was out there."

"I guess he was," Tommy met his gaze, wondering how he could not have seen it before this. "I thought he was trying to make me live his dream by going to that school but its not the truth at all is it?"

"No it isn't." Mike shook his head, agreeing with the conclusion that Tommy had reached on his own. He was glad that Nathan Jackson had not failed his son. The doctor had always been capable of knowing just what it was his patients needed without any of them having to come out and say it. Part of what made Nathan such a great doctor was his empathy and compassion. Mike hated to think he would keep those qualities from his son but then Mike realized that Nathan's greatest gift, as a healer was the quality of knowing exactly what was needed to help. Tommy should have recognized that his father's actions of late were motivated by that same desire. As cruel as it might seem at first, in truth, Nathan had sent Tommy to Yale because it was just what the boy needed to prepare himself for the outside world.

"I underestimated him." Tommy whispered, feeling a deep sense of shame as he considered what he had just unraveled before his eyes. "I thought he was pushing me too hard but that's not what he was trying to do at all. He was trying to make me strong." 

"Your father's an amazing man." Mike smiled. 

Tommy did not speak for a few seconds but he turned to Mike after a moment and returned his smile. "I think all our father's are pretty special."

************

It was almost time for Christmas dinner and Nathan had been given the chore of rounding up the children that were scattered throughout the house. Most were already on their way to the dinner table, being drawn there by the wonderful smell of food that was wafting through the house. Dinner was usually an informal affair when the seven got together mostly because with their wives and children, there simply no room at the table and the meal was spent with everyone finding a place to sit after helping themselves to the food. Nathan liked the idea a lot and reminded him of the days when the seven would find themselves around at campfire, sharing a meal when they were out on the trail.

Nathan missed those times dearly. He would recall Chris Larabee dressed in poncho, growling in monosyllabic words at attempts to draw him into conversation when he was trying so hard to brood. It was such a far cry from the man, who was at the moment, was trying to hand his granddaughter back to her mother, because the look on his face indicated that the child needed changing. Vin Tanner would always keep the peace when Chris had gotten too ornery for his own good by drawing the conversation away from the somber gunslinger. Instead of keeping the peace, Vin was now garnering dark looks from Chris because he was laughing at the man's predicament. Ezra on the other hand, never seemed to change. He was still the consummate gambler as evidenced by the card trick he was attempting to Sarah and Daniel. Oh Mary would just love that, Nathan thought silently.  

He glanced out the window and saw Mike and Elena taking a moonlight walk and also noticed that Buck seemed to be pacing the space beside that window, trying not to watch even though his expression showed all the signs of a man about to rush to his daughter's rescue. It was a far cry from the ladies man who had left a trail of broken hearts wherever he went. If any one of them had gone through a substantial change, he supposed it was JD. JD had been a boy when they first met and now he was father, with children of his own. Like the rest of the seven, Nathan was pleased at the new woman in his life. He could tell by the way JD was staring at Naomi as she and Rebecca led some of the teenagers in some caroling that while she would never quite be Casey, Naomi had captured JD's heart.

Nathan took a moment to observe his little girl Rebecca who was twelve years old and felt his heart melt as he heard her sing. Her duet with Naomi filled the house with music and captured the attention of those present. Josiah was leaning back in a chair, closing his eyes and letting the music calm his soul and Nathan daresay that the crows were well and truly banished from his oldest friend's psyche. Nathan watched his daughter for a moment, wondering where time had gone realizing that soon she would be gone too and it would be just him and Rain again, as it had been in the beginning.
Almost as if she had heard the thought, Nathan felt Rain's hand slip into his own as she encircled his waist from behind him, her eyes staring at the same thing that he was. He looked over his shoulder and their eyes met, thinking the same.

"When did we get so old?" He asked her as Rain rested her head against his shoulder.  

"We're not old," she smiled, still staring at her daughter. "We're forever because of her and because of Tommy."  

Nathan could not disagree with that. "You're to smart to be married to some country doctor." He commented with a look of warm affection. 

"I know," Rain grinned. "But someone had to take care of you and I don't mind the sacrifice." 

"Sacrifice, huh?" Nathan turned around to kiss her.  

"Oh please!" Jimmy Wilmington who happened to walk past at the tender moment, suddenly declared. "I'm still a child! I'm too young to be seeing old people kiss!"  

"Get out of here you smart ass." Nathan growled jokingly and chuckled with Jimmy as the boy continued towards the dinner table. 

"Nathan have you seen Tommy?" Rain asked when he faced her again. 

Nathan's eyes scanned the room upon that request and saw no sign of his son and could not recall seeing him earlier either. "No, I haven't." He confessed.  

"Has he seemed a little quiet to you since he got back?" Rain inquired. Her expression showing clearly she had noticed something amiss with their son's behavior.

"I don't know," Nathan looked away. "He hasn't said much to me at all." 

"And you don't find that odd?" She gave him a look. 

"Of course I do." He retorted wondering how she could think he would miss something like that. Nathan had noticed that his son seemed a little more distanced from him then usual. He wondered if it was not due to the fact that the boy was growing up and assumed that relationships tended to change once a child left home. "I just thought I might give him a few days to settle in. I mean he's spent the last few months in a different place, it might take some time to get accustomed to being home once again."

"Oh that is nonsense. How do you men come up with so many ways not to talk to each other? He is your son and he has never had difficulty talking to you and you to him. I want you to go find him and find out what's wrong Nathan." 

"But Rain...." Nathan started to protest. 

"But nothing." She disengaged herself from his grip. "You will go now Nathan Jackson." 

Nathan frowned, aware that when she used that tone with him, he had little choice in the matter. "I'm going." He sighed and left her.  

Nathan did not want to tell Rain that he was a little worried about talking to Tommy. In all honesty, he suspected what Tommy had been telling his family about Yale might not be entirely true. Nathan recalled being somewhat surprised that Tommy had denied encountering any problems there and wondered if he had not been a little cynical about how the white folks at Yale would treat his son. He wondered if perhaps he was marked more than he would like to think by the hardships of his own youth, after all, people did change and certainly, he had not worried about acceptance since becoming one of the seven. However, now that he thought about it deeper, an ugly suspicion began to rear its head inside of Nathan that perhaps Tommy had not been entirely truthful.

What if things were as bad as Nathan feared? 

The possibility made the older man cringe because it was part of the reason he had sent his son to Yale, to prepare him for life as a black man. Four Corners had given Tommy too sheltered and upbringing and Nathan had feared how he would fare when he went out into the world and realized his kind was looked upon by the vast majority with intolerance and bigotry. Sending him to Yale had been a way of preparing Tommy for all the things he would encounter when he finally left home because it was too much to believe that things had changed in his life time to make Tommy's way any easier than his had been.  

He found Tommy a short time later, alone on the porch, staring into the pristine beauty of the night, alone and in silence. Tommy reacted to his arrival with little more than a sidelong glance before shifting slightly on the swing he had been sitting on in order to make room for his father as well as an invitation to join him. Nathan took that as a good sign and sat down next to his son, feeling more and more certain that they did indeed have some serious talking to do. He felt inordinately guilty of what he had put Tommy through but he was still certain that it had been the right thing. Tommy had to know what was out there. He could not stay in Four Corners forever, no matter how much Nathan might wish it so. Tommy was a almost a grown man but Nathan still saw the little boy he had brought into this world with his own hands, even now. He saw the child that had blown up his laboratory trying to make God only knew what to stink out the schoolhouse with young Mike Larabee and Pete Standish. H e remembered fondly how after that Nathan had capitulated and allowed Tommy to work in the place with him, just so he could temper the boy's need to make things with chemicals. As absurd as they sometimes seemed, those memories were more precious to Nathan than gold.

For short time, neither man said a word to each other. They merely sat there in the darkness, listening to the cheerful voices emanating from the house behind them, trying to overcome this awkwardness that had suddenly descended upon both of them. It was cold outside and Nathan knew that sooner or later someone would come searching for them and he did not want to leave this discussion any longer than they already had. He wanted to know the truth and he wanted to explain himself if Tommy blamed him for any of it. What he had done was for the best of reasons but nothing was worth the price if it drove a wedge between himself and his son. He was about to say something when suddenly, Tommy beat him to it by speaking first.  

"I was angry at you." Tommy replied, swiveling his head from the ranch ahead of him to meet his father's gaze. 

"I kind of figured that." Nathan answered because on some level he had known it to be true.

"The first day I got there, I thought of all the thing I would be able to learn. I was so excited." Tommy continued to speak, his eyes softening with emotion. "Then someone called me a nigger. At first I wasn't even sure that they were talking to me but they were."

Nathan blinked slowly; his worst fears confirmed as Tommy began to tell him the real truth about his experiences at Yale.

"It got worse as the days went along and if it wasn't for Peter, I think I would have come straight home." Tommy confessed, swallowing hard. "If it was just the other kids, I think I might have handled it better but it wasn't just the other students, it was the teachers too. It was the way people in New Haven looked at me, like I was some kind of a freak. I wasn't dumb like the colored folk who lived around there are supposed to be. Do you know the first one of us to get a Ph D went to Yale? His name was Edward Bouchet and he was physicist. He got his degree and now he teaches school! He should be a researcher but that's the best he could do because he was black. What's the point of all I'm going through if I'm going to be just a teacher? I wanted to be a chemist!" 

"Because it won't always be that way." Nathan replied. "There was a time when we couldn't even learn to read because we were property. I remember those days, son. I lived through them and I saw things change. I saw my freedom become real, I saw myself learn to read and write, I saw myself become a doctor. The changes are coming even if they don't come fast enough. I wanted you to go to Yale so that you could learn that there are many obstacles in front of us." 

"I didn't need to know that!" Tommy hissed. "I was happy not knowing. I never had to worry about things like this here!"

"You won't always be here!" Nathan insisted. "If this was your whole world from start to finish, I wouldn't have done what I did. I would have let you go on without ever knowing what its like out there for other colored folk but you're going to leave someday and you needed to know."

"I hated you for making me go." Tommy replied, his lips slashed across his face in bitterness. "I mean I wanted to go to Fisk University in the mid west. They have a colored school there. I wouldn't have been such an outcast." 

"You can still go." Nathan whispered, hating the anger in his son's voice and worst of all knowing that it was he who was responsible for it. "If you want to transfer to Fisk, we can do that. I understand." 

"No you don't," Tommy's eyes flared. "If I go to Fisk now, then I'm running away. The only thing that I hate more than that place is letting them know that they beat me! I won't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they drove me away because I couldn't take it. I hated you dad for making me go there, for making me suffer their hatred but then I realised that I'd never known it before even though it's everywhere and half the reason I'd been taking it so hard because I was never prepared for that kind of thinking." 

"No you weren't," Nathan answered, unable to deny that fact. 

"But its out there and there's a lot of it and no matter what I do in my life, they'll always see me as colored and the only way I'm going to get through it is if I show them that is not all there is to me. I can't do that hiding from them. It doesn't matter if I'm black or white, a man or a woman; I won't hide from anyone. I'll fight them every inch of the way on their own terms because I can. You taught me to stand up on my own, to never let anyone tell me that a thing couldn't be done. I'm not about to start now. There are others out there, worse off than me. They don't have the friends I do, or the upbringing. I have to fight for them by staying at Yale, by not letting those fancy boys with their trust funds and their silver spoon tell me I don't have what it takes to learn." 

Nathan never felt prouder of his son but he was also afraid for him. "Tommy, I know what I said and I was wrong. You should live your live as you choose, for yourself, not for me or anyone else. I thought I was doing the right thing by saying that to you but I was not. The future will take care of itself. You just concentrate on your life." 

"Thanks dad," Tommy surprised his father by embracing him warmly.  

For a moment, Nathan felt tears threatening to come down his cheeks but he managed to hold them off long enough as Tommy pulled away and looked upon him with a smile and a new resolve. If anything convinced Nathan that his son was going to do fine without him, it was this moment. "I want you to follow your dreams Tommy, I want you to have everything that I did because I've had a good life for most part." 

"I'm going to follow my dreams dad," the younger man replied. "I've been thinking a lot about my life today. I thought about things Peter and Mike said as well. I've come to a few decisions and I hope you'll stand by me." 

"You don't have to ask that son," Nathan responded without hesitation but he was also a little anxious. 

"I'm going back to Yale when the break's over. I'm going to study and get my degree." Tommy stated with a new resolve in his voice because things were so clear for him now. He had spent all day thinking about what he and Mike had discovered about his father's reasoning and from there, the ideas that had formulated in his mind had taken on a life of their own.

"If that's what you want." Nathan uttered, ensuring that Tommy understood he did not have to prove anything to him or to anyone else.

"Yes that's what I want." He confirmed with a nod. "Its what I want because when I'm done getting a degree, I'm going to try and become a chemist but if I can't, I'm gong to be a teacher."

"Are you sure?" Nathan stared at his son, disliking the idea that he was willing to give up so easily on his dreams. "You always wanted to be a chemist." 

"I do," Tommy was not about to lie about that, especially to his father who knew him so well. "I'll try and follow that dream if I can but if it doesn't happen, everything else that I've learnt since going to Yale has given me a new direction I never considered before."

"And that is?" Nathan asked, uncertain of where his son's conclusions had led him. 

"Teaching." He stated firmly and with pride. "I want to teach other colored children to make their dreams come true. You were right dad, the more we stand up and be counted, the more things will change. It won't happen in your lifetime or mine but it will happen. I want to be a part of showing our people we can be whatever we want, no matter what some white folks may think or say."  

"That's a good direction," Nathan replied, not expecting this at all but he could not deny it held its promise. Nathan knew his son, he would do it too, just to prove it could be done and because he really believed in it. "It will be hard."

"You told me once that the best things in life often are." Tommy reminded. 

"Now you're really making me feel old." Nathan laughed.  

"Come on," Tommy rose to his feet and looked over his shoulder at his father. "I'm getting hungry smelling all that food."

"I don't blame you," Nathan said pushing himself off the swing. "Your Aunt Inez is still the best cook in town, except your mother of course."

"Relav dad, I won't tell mom you said that." Tommy chuckled. 

"Hey Tommy," Nathan said quickly as the boy was about to open the door to the house. "I love you, you know?"

"I know dad," Tommy grinned. "Thank you for what you tried to do. I didn't understand it at the time but I do now and I'm glad for it. It was a hard lesson for me to learn but I realise why you did it and why I had to learn it." 

"Thank you," Nathan's voice escaped him in a soft whisper. "I never meant to hurt you. I was just afraid you would be worse off if you didn't understand."

"I got hurt dad," the boy confessed. "I won't lie about that but sometimes you need to hurt a little to appreciate things and thanks to you, I'm appreciating more than you know."

Nathan's reaction was to embrace the boy once more because when he let go, it would be a man in the place of the child he loved. He did not have to worry about Tommy any more because his son had found his own way and the path no doubt rocky in its journey was exactly where Tommy wanted to be. As a father, Nathan could not hope for more than that.

"Merry Christmas dad." Tommy smiled before they went in. 

"Merry Christmas." Nathan replied because it certainly was. 

TO BE CONTINUED